You may have heard it so many times. “Make a safety plan.” And every single time, the women I talk to say the same thing: okay, but what does that actually mean?

In this solo episode, I’m walking you through what a safety plan actually is, why it matters, how to contact a domestic violence agency or shelter before you’re in crisis, and what kinds of help may be available even if you never spend a night in a shelter. We’re talking about children, custody fears, documentation, technology safety, legal questions, and why leaving safely often requires more than courage. It requires information, support, and a plan.

When you’re sitting in your house trying to think through all of this, the part of your brain that is figuring things out or making decisions isn’t really working. You’re in trauma. And yet you’re supposed to make a plan. With what money? Which car? What documents? With my children? Without my children? What if the shelter’s full? What if he tracks my phone? What if I leave and he says I kidnapped the kids? What if I stay and something happens? 

By the end of this episode, I want you to understand what goes into a safety plan, who can help you make one, how to think about shelters and domestic violence agencies, and what questions to ask before you take any action, especially if you have children. 

A safety plan is not about living in fear. It’s about refusing to let fear be the only thing in the room. Fear says, “I can’t.” A plan says, “Here’s what I need to know.” Maybe not today, but one private step is enough. 

What you’ll hear about in this episode:

• What shelter actually means and how to use it before you’re in crisis
• Technology safety: phones, tracking, shared accounts, and what not to do first
• How to assess your risk and what goes into a safety plan based on that risk
• Identifying your safe people and what “safe” actually means
• Documents to gather: ID, financial records, car title and registration, and more
• How to document incidents in patterns, not just isolated events
• Building cash quietly: gift cards, separate accounts, and why money must be part of the plan
• The physical exit: routes, keys, cars, kids, pets, and where you’re actually going
• Kids, custody fears, and why his threats are not legal advice
• How to talk to an advocate or attorney about risk, documentation, and timing
• Your go bag: what’s in it, where it lives, and what to do if you can’t get to it
  

✨ If you’d like to watch the video version of this episode, you can find it here.

Resources & Links:

Creating a Safety Plan
Safety Planning Words, Phrases, & Questions
Registration is now open for the Unbreakable Retreat!
Kate Anthony’s Complete Parenting Plan
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
The Divorce Survival Guide Resource Bundle
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective
Kate on Instagram
Kate on Facebook
Kate’s Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast Episodes are also available YouTube!
Seven Step Mindset Reset for Divorce 

National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text START to 88788
thehotline.org (has a quick-close button)

211 (where available) for domestic violence resources, legal aid, emergency housing, food assistance, and victim services

Aimee Says – an AI platform trained and designed specifically to support victims of domestic abuse

Find state specific resources at: womenslaw.org

Show Transcript:

Kate Anthony: [00:00:00] Hey, everyone. Welcome back. So if you have ever heard the advice, “Make a safety plan,” and then immediately thought okay, but what does that actually mean?” This episode is for you. I am gonna walk you through what a safety plan is. Why it matters, how to contact a domestic violence agency or shelter before you’re in crisis, and what kinds of help may be available even if you never, ever spend a night in a shelter.

We are also talking about children, custody fears, documentation, technology safety, legal questions, and why leaving safely often requires more than just courage. It requires information, support, and a plan. So this episode is not legal advice, and it is not a substitute for a local support from your local shelter.

But it will help you understand what [00:01:00] questions to ask, what to prepare, and why safety planning is one of the most strategic things that you can do. So if you are in a relationship where you are afraid of your partner, afraid of what they will do when you leave, afraid of what they will do if they find out that you’re planning to leave, or afraid of what will happen to your children if you make the wrong move, I want you to listen very carefully today, because we talk a lot about safety planning.

I talk about it, advocates talk about it, therapists talk about it, lawyers talk about it. Make a safety plan, and it sounds really simple until you’re the person sitting in your house thinking, “Okay, how? How? What, what– with what money? With, which car? What documents? With my children? Without my children?

Who do I call? What if the shelter’s full? What if I don’t wanna go to a shelter? What if he tracks my phone? What if I leave and he says I kidnapped the kids? What if I stay and something happens,” right? Ugh. It’s a lot. And [00:02:00] you’re trying to think through all these things while you are in trauma, while the part of your brain that is needed to do all of that executive functioning, figuring things out, isn’t really working.

That’s why I’m doing this episode, because a safety plan is not just a bag packed by the door. It’s not just knowing where the nearest shelter is and running to it in the middle of the night. It rarely works that way. It is not just calling nine one one thing– when things get bad and scary.

A safety plan is a private, strategic plan for how you are going to reduce risk before, during, and after separation. And I wanna say that part again, right? ‘Cause it’s important. Before, during, and after. One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking that safety– a safety plan is only about the moment of leaving.

The dramatic moment, the car, the bag, the kids, getting out. And that moment itself matters, but safety planning starts way earlier. So when [00:03:00] possible, ideally, right? It starts when you are quietly gathering all the information that you’re gonna need before that moment. Quietly identifying resources, quietly documenting, quietly finding out what the law actually says in your state, quietly figuring out who can know and who absolutely cannot know.

So by the end of this episode, I really want you to understand what goes into a safety plan, who can help you make one, how to think about shelters and domestic violence agencies, and what questions to ask before you take action, especially if you have children. Before I go any further, I wanna be really clear that if you are in immediate danger, call emergency services if it is safe to do if you are in the United States, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. That’s S-A-F-E. You can text the word start to 88788 Or you could use their chat [00:04:00] on the hotline website. I think it’s thehotline.org. If you’re using a phone or a computer, that could put you at greater risk.

Use a safe– try to find a safe device, a friend’s phone a library computer, phone at work, something that you know is not being monitored. As always, this episode is not legal advice. I’m not your lawyer. I’m not telling you what you can legally do in your specific state with your specific custody situation under your specific court orders.

But what I am doing is helping you understand the kinds of questions that you need to ask and the kinds of support that you might be able to access. Because one of the ways that abusive systems keep women trapped is by making everything feel impossible and confusing and overwhelming. You think, I can’t leave because I don’t have any money.

I can’t leave because the shelter is full. I can’t leave because I have children. I can’t leave because he told me I’d be arrested if I take them. I can’t leave because if I go without them, everyone will say I abandoned them. I can’t leave because I don’t have proof. And sometimes there are re– very real legal [00:05:00] constraints.

Sometimes there are real safety concerns and constraints, and sometimes there are real financial constraints. But very often, there are also options that you may not know about yet. That is the point of safety planning, not to tell yourself a fantasy or pretend this is easy or to make a reckless move because you hit a breaking point and can’t take it one more day.

The point is to get enough information and enough support that your next move is as safe and strategic as possible. Let’s start with the word shelter, ’cause I think this is where a lot of women get shut down and don’t actually know the resources available to them. When I say or anyone else says, call your local shelter, that does not mean pack your children in the middle of the night and go sleep in a shelter.

Sometimes that’s exactly what needs to happen. Rarely, though. Sometimes there is immediate physical danger. There are weapons. There are escalating threats. If there has been strangulation, especially because as soon as somebody puts [00:06:00] their hands on you, your risk of domestic homicide increases dramatically.

I think the number is something like seven hundred and fifty percent. Sometimes if he has said, ‘If you leave me, I’ll kill you,’ I’ve heard that a number of times. So if the risk is that high, an emergency shelter is the safest option available. But that is not the only thing that shelters do. Domestic violence shelters and domestic violent ai– violence agencies are often community resource hubs.

Often the name shelter a shelter makes people think of beds, right? If you’ve seen the TV show Maid, right? You think of disappearing undercover and going to a place. But many of these organizations, most of them, also have advocates there. They can help you. With safety planning. They might have legal aid partnerships.

Many of them do. They may help you understand how to file for a restraining order. They might offer court accompaniment, an advocate who will go to you– go with you to your restraining order [00:07:00] hearing. They have support groups, counseling, children services, housing information, emergency funds sometimes, the better funded ones, transportation help, referrals to attorneys, immigration resources.

They have address confidentiality information and help connecting to other agencies. The shelter might be full. The beds may be full. The hotline might have a wait. But that doesn’t mean there is no help. It means that you need to ask different questions. Instead of saying, “Do you have space?” you might say, “I’m not ready to leave today, but I need help making a safety plan.

Do you have an advocate I can speak with? I have children, and I am afraid to leave because I don’t know what I’m legally allowed to do. Do you have legal advocacy or referrals?” In some states have specific laws that if there is a certain level of threat, it is perfectly legal for you to take your children and go to a shelter, and you need to know what the legal bar is in your state, in your county.

You might say, “I don’t need emergency shelter [00:09:00] tonight, but I need to know what my options are if things escalate.” You might say, “I’m worried he’s tracking my phone. Can you help me think through technology safety? I need help understanding what documentation I need to have before I leave. I’m afraid that if I take the children somewhere safe, he’ll accuse me of kidnapping.

Can you connect me with legal aid or an attorney who understands domestic violence?” So these are very different questions than can I have a bed tonight? I also wanna interject here that I do have an accompanying download with this episode that has a bunch of these scripts in it, so you don’t have to be furiously writing these down.

Okay? Most women never call a domestic violence shelter or agency because they think I’m not being hit every day, and I’m not in the kind of danger that a shelter is for. Other people need it more. I’m not ready to leave. I don’t wanna take my kids to a shelter. I have somewhere else I could go. I just need advice, right?

And that’s exactly why you call. You call before the [00:10:00] emergency, and you call for the advice. You call while you still have options, while you’re gathering information, when you’re trying to figure out whether your s-situation is escalating. You might not know, right? It might not be clear to you. You call when you need someone who understands abuse to help you sort through the difference between discomfort and danger.

And it’s important to know this, right? You might not get the perfect person the first time. You might call one agency, and they’re overwhelmed. I will tell you, they are all overwhelmed. What does that say about the state of relationships today? It says a lot. They are all overwhelmed and overrun. You might call and get a volunteer who’s kind but not very helpful, maybe not that informed.

You might call and they can’t offer what you need. That doesn’t mean your situation isn’t serious, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t need help or that you should stop, right? It means that the system is under-resourced, and you might need to keep going. Call another agency. Use the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s local provider [00:11:00] directory.

If you go on their website, you will search for your county plus domestic violence advocate. Search for family justice center in your area. Search for legal aid plus domestic violence plus your county. Look at womenslaw.org for state-specific resources. Call two one one if that’s available where you live and ask for domestic violence resources, legal aid, emergency housing, food assistance victim services.

And most important when you call, be careful about how you call. If he monitors your phone, do not use your regular phone. If he checks the phone bill, do not assume deleting a call log is enough. If he has access to your email, don’t email from that account. You should have a protected account, ProtonMail, which is encrypted, or just a separate Gmail, but I still think you should have something separate.

If he knows your passwords, assume that he can see more than you want him to see. If you are using a shared [00:12:00] family count– plan, shared cloud account, a shared Apple ID, Google account, Uber, rideshare app, Ring camera, Amazon account, bank account, l- like location sharing, anything shared, assume that all of your planning might be visible.

Another important thing is if you have a Tesla and it is in his name and he has control over the app, he can see where you are at any time. This is a huge issue with Teslas. I don’t know about other vehicles like it, but Tesla in particular has enormous privacy concerns for victims of domestic violence.

I don’t say all of that to scare you, right? I say it because technology safety is now an– probably one of the biggest parts of safety planning. A safety plan in twenty twenty-six has to include your phone, your car, your passwords, your children’s devices, the family iPad, AirTags Check your car for AirTags.

They’re fucking tiny, but there are only so [00:13:00] many places they can be hidden. Tile trackers, same thing. Find My iPhone, Google Location History, shared photo albums, smart speakers, security cameras, parenting apps, social media, email, all of the things. Two-factor authentication that’s another huge one.

You’re trying to get into something and he gets an alert, he gets the two-factor ID and has to provide the code. If you, if the code gets sent to him, he knows that someone’s trying to get in. He’ll either assume it’s you or assume he’s being hacked and maybe change the password. So all of these things they’re just a lot to think about.

You don’t need to become a tech expert overnight. You just need to assume that if he has been controlling, monitoring, stalking, interrogating, or showing up places that he should not know about, that technology is probably part of the picture. And this is where a domestic violence advocate can be really useful.

Not because they can magically debug e- every device in your [00:15:00] house but because they can help you think through the risk. By the way, the idea that you can walk into a house and debug it or sense listening devices, there is no such technology. It’s insane. Although I did see something on Facebook the other day that it might be coming that can turn off all those things when you walk into a room, and I’m gonna keep my eye on it, ’cause that would be a game changer.

So one of the ways that you need to think through risk is that sometimes turning off tracking suddenly can escalate danger. Because now he realizes that you’re doing something. Sometimes leaving your phone behind is safer. Sometimes getting a second phone is safer. You might need a burner in your car or using a trusted friend’s device.

Sometimes the safest thing is to keep behaving completely normally on monitored devices while doing your planning somewhere else. So don’t stop texting and all the things. Keep doing everything that nor- you would normally do and do [00:16:00] all the planning somewhere else. This is why a lot of generic advice can sometimes be dangerous, right?

Just change all your passwords sounds like really good advice, but sometime- but if changing all your passwords then tips him off before you’re ready, that might not be the safest first move. So safety planning may not be doing about, doing all the obvious things. It’s about doing the right things in the right order for your situation.

All right, so let’s talk about what actually goes into the plan. So the first piece is risk. You wanna ask yourself, ideally with an advocate, what am I most afraid that he will do? Not only what has he done historically, but what do I think he’s capable of when he feels control slipping? Has he threatened to kill you, himself, the children, pets, family members, a new partner?

Does he have access to weapons? Has he ever strangled you? Has he ever put his hands on you, blocked your breathing, covered your mouth, put you in a choke hold? Has the [00:17:00] violence escalated? Has he stalked you? Has he threatened to take the children? Has he threatened to ruin you financially? Has he threatened immigration consequences?

Threatened to report you to CPS, your employer, your s- licensing board, your family, your community? Has he said, “If I can’t have you, no one can”? Has he become more unstable when it comes to conversations around separation, divorce, dating, custody, money, public exposure? These questions are really hard, but vague fear is very difficult to plan around.

Specific risk can be planned for. Now, all of the things that I just listed are fairly extreme and overt and definitely high risk. You know that there are more covert things at play, but I want you to be able to assess the risk with someone who might be able to see the more covert things for what they are.

So if the risk is physical violence, the plan has to include physical exit routes, emergency contacts, police response, shelter, [00:18:00] transportation, and what to do with the children, right? You’ve gotta have a plan For if the, if violence, physical violence escalates, then you need a go bag in your car. You need a bunch of documents in your car, restraining orders, all of those things.

There is also a list that I will attach to this of things that you should have in your go bag and where you should keep it and things like that. If the risk is stalking, the plan needs te- needs to have include technology safety. Address confidentiality, workplace safety, school pickup protocols, documentation.

There are ways for, in terms of address confidentiality, there are ways that your address can be registered so that it will never show up in a Google search. It’s very important. If the risk is legal abuse, then the plan needs attorney consultations, documentation, court strategy strategic communication.

If the risk is financial sabotage, the plan needs money, right? You need account numbers credit cards, [00:19:00] docu- all of your documents, financial documents, and possibly emergency benefits or an emergency access to an emergency fund, things like that. Sometimes your workplace if you work for, a larger corporation, they might ha- actually have a lot of benefits and programs for you, and it would be worth accessing and assessing, seeing what they have.

If the risk is child-related threats, then your plan needs to include legal advice before you move, if at all possible, school and/or daycare planning, emergency custody information, a clear record of why you made the choices that you made. So as you can see, like with risk assessment you need to assess your risk and at what, and then that determines what needs to go in your plan.

So the second piece of the safety plan is people Who knows? And I don’t mean who loves you the most, I mean who is safe. They’re not always the same people. A safe person is someone who will not confront [00:21:00] him, who will not text you, “Oh my God, I’m so glad you’re finally leaving him,” when he might actually see your phone.

Someone who not, won’t pa- post vague supportive things on Facebook. Someone who’s not gonna panic and escalate things. You don’t need someone who’s screenshotting every single thing that he posts and then sending them to you because that doesn’t feel safe, but it would be great to have someone who’s screenshotting every single thing that he’s posting on Facebook that m- that would be relevant, and at least saving them in a folder on their phone.

Someone who’s not just gonna say, “Oh, I think if you j- you know, have you tried couples therapy?” Or, “Just tell him how you feel.” You need someone who can hold information without making themselves the main character. Hello, we all know those people. Your safety plan might just include one friend who knows the whole plan.

It might include another friend who only knows that if you text a certain word, they should call you. It might include a neighbor who knows to call 911 if they hear [00:22:00] screaming. It might include your child’s school knowing who is and who is not allowed to pick up your children if and when you have legal authority to make that restriction, right?

So if you have a restraining order and they’re not allowed to come near the children, the school has to know that. Let me just say very clearly, you are not the first person who has had to tell the school that a parent is not safe for, to come to pick up their kids. There’s no shame in this. There’s only safety. Believe me, you’re not the first.

It’s one of those things where you say it and then they go, “Okay.” And all the protocols that they’ve been trained in, they put into action and you’re like, “Oh, you guys know this already.” Your safety plan might include your workplace knowing not to transfer calls from him or not to disclose your schedule.

It might include a code word with your kids, depending on their ages. You’re not putting your children in charge of adult safety, right? We’re not making them responsible for managing your [00:23:00] abuser. But you can have simple age-appropriate plans. If I say we’re going to Aunt Sarah’s, you get your shoes and you get in the car.

If I say the code word, you go to the neighbor’s house. If there’s yelling, you do not get in the middle, you go to your room and you call, this person the, designated person. And again, an advocate can help you think through what is appropriate for your child’s age and your situation.

So the third piece so that was people. Who are your safe people? It’s really important to identify the safe people in your life, and at what level are they safe? I will tell you that I don’t always consider my mother necessarily to be, like, my safe person. In a crisis, when the shit hits the fan, my mom is the person you’re gonna go- I’m gonna go to, 100%.

She’s not always my go-to for emotional stuff or whatever, but in a crisis, that woman is… She is the bomb. Start making [00:24:00] lists. Think about those things

The third piece is documents. This is the part that people often think of first, and it’s very important, right? You want copies or photos of all of the identifications for you and your children. Birth certificates, Social Security cards, or at least the numbers. Cards would be preferable. Passports, driver’s license green card or immigration documents, health insurance cards, medical records, prescriptions, school records, marriage certificate, divorce papers if anything has been filed, custody papers, very important, restraining orders, police reports, car title and registration.

This is important. If the car is registered in your name, you can take it. If it is not registered in your name, you can’t because then they can report it stolen. You need insurance papers. You need l- your lease or the deed to the [00:27:00] car, the house, whatever. Bank account information, investment account information, retirement accounts, tax returns, pay stubs, business records if there’s a business, login information for all of your accounts if it’s safe to have it.

Again, there is a list accompanying this episode, so you don’t have to be writing all this down, scrambling. And you want as much evidence as you can, not because you’re trying to create a dramatic dossier of every horrible thing that he’s ever done, but because courts, attorneys, advocates, law enforcement, they need concrete information.

So keep the documentation of threatening texts, harassing emails, voicemails, photos of injuries, photos of property damage, screenshots of location tracking. If you found an Air Tag, take a fucking picture of it. Police report numbers, medical records, dates and times. Again, all of this I think should be uploaded into Amy Says so that you can– so that Amy can keep that documentation record [00:28:00] clear for you.

You can create a simple written timeline of dangerous behavior. So when I say documentation, I want you to think in patterns. One incident may be dismissed as a bad fight. Of course, if it’s bad and it caused bruising or anything like that, it’s bad enough. It doesn’t matter. Take pictures. It’s one incident.

But a pattern shows control and escalation. A pattern shows that this is not a misunderstanding or two people who can’t communicate. It shows behavior over time. And keep that documentation somewhere sa-safe. Again, Amy Says, I will put in the show notes my affiliate link. I think you get a discount by or a month free or something using my code.

Amy Says is a very safe place to keep all of your documentation. Not a journal where he can find it in a shared cloud, in the notes on your iPhone, right? Or email if he knows your password. Somewhere safe, right? If you have everything printed and you have actual documents give them to a friend, [00:30:00] upload them to a new and safe Google Drive or th- on a thumb drive, or give them all to your attorney and have your attorney hold them.

But I think Amy Says is one of the best ways ’cause it’s up into your Amy Says account and it should be safe that way. And she’s gonna collate it and sort it and sh- and bring the patterns to light for you, which is amazing. If you don’t know what Amy Says is a, an AI platform trained and designed specifically to support victims of domestic abuse.

It’s amazing. I’ve had a couple of interviews with Anne Wintemute, who is the founder, co-founder of Amy Says and it’s really changed the game for victims. That’s documentation. So the fourth piece is money. So cash. Can you safely gather cash? So this might be getting cash back every time you go to the grocery store and sticking it somewhere safe.

It could mean [00:31:00] that when you go to the grocery store, you buy Visa gift cards and you stock those away. If you can get a credit card that he does not know about or doesn’t monitor, that would be great. Open a bank account in your name only if that is safe and legal for you to do. That again would be a great question for an advocate in your area.

I want you to have a plan for gas, food, medication, pet needs, diapers, school supplies, tr- transportation, temporary housing. If you can put together enough money to support you for a few weeks a- and supplies to support you for a few weeks, that would be really ideal. Financial abuse is one of the biggest reasons that women stay longer than they want to.

It is also present in 99% of all incidents of domestic abuse. It is the most effective way to control us, and it is the top reason [00:32:00] women return to their abusers. So if you’re listening and you’re thinking, “I don’t have any money,” that does not mean that you do not need a safety plan. It means money has to be part of the plan.

This is another reason to contact local agencies, right? ‘Cause some might have emergency funds. Some might have transportation assistance. They might know about victim compensation programs, benefits, food assistance, housing programs, legal aid. Some might not. Many are stretched incredibly thin. But you don’t know what exists until you ask.

And this is why also similar if you, that you wanna check your HR department. If you work for a major corporation in particular, they might have a lot of these resources available to you. That is the money section here. So the fifth piece is the physical exit. If you had to leave quickly, where would you go?

How would you get out? Which door are you gonna get out? Which car? Can you take it? Which keys? Which bag? Route? Where are the kids? Where are the pets? Is there gas in the car? Is [00:33:00] your phone charged? Do you have a burner in the phone, right? Do you have a go bag stashed in the car with a burner, with the money, and do you know where you’re going?

Do you know the address that you’re going to? Does he know the address you’re going to? It’s all… We, we all say I can go, I’ll go to my mom’s.” Is that actually the safest thing for you? ‘Cause he knows where your mom lives. Do you need to avoid toll roads because of electronic tracking, right?

If you share a toll tracker, Fast Track pass or something he’ll be able to know exactly where you go. Avoid taking a Tesla because of its tracking abilities and the GPS tracking. Do you need someone else to drive? Do you need to leave when he’s at work? Do you need to leave during school hours?

Do you need law enforcement to stand by while you retrieve your belongings, and is that safe in your situation? So there is no universal answer. For some women, leaving when he’s out of the house is the safest. For others, calling the police during inc- an incident is really the only option. This is the highest level of danger.

For [00:35:00] others, the safest plan is to go to court, request a protective order, and then have a plan for what happens after he’s served. For others, the safest plan is not to announce separation at all until they’re physically somewhere else. I know that all of this might sound extreme to people who have never lived inside of coercive control.

So if you’re listening to this and you’re like, “Holy shit,” “I am– my situation is not that crazy.” Yes. Okay. But if you’re leaving someone who experiences your independence as a threat to their control, your safety plan has to account for that. And if you’re listening to this and this does not apply to you at all, I am sure it applies to someone you know, unfortunately, ’cause that- those are just the numbers.

So feel free to send this episode to them. Okay. So the next thing we need to talk, do is talk about kids because this is where so many of you freeze. Most of us would be out if it weren’t for the kids. Many women are told by their abusive partner, “You can’t take my kids away.” “You’ll be charged with kidnapping.

You’ll lose [00:36:00] custody. And if you flee ’cause you think that they are safer than you are, then you’ll be accused of abandoning them. No judge will believe you.” And because family court can be so unpredictable or at least predictably not supporting of women and victims, and because women are often punished for trying to protect their children, those threats can feel very convincing.

Here’s a more careful and nuanced version. If you and your kids are in danger, you need immediate local advice from a domestic violence advocate and, wherever possible, an attorney who understands custody and domestic violence. That’s an important combination. The law varies by state, unfortunately. I wish I could tell you exactly what it would be in our country, but that’s not the way our country works.

Your options might depend on whether there’s already a custody order in place. They might depend on whether you’re legally married. Maybe you’re not legally married and you share children. It might depend on [00:37:00] whether paternity has been legally established. It might depend on whether you’re moving across state lines, across the country, or to a confidential location.

It might depend on relocation laws in your state. It might depend on whether you’re seeking a restraining order, emergency custody, or other, some other temporary emergency order. But please do not take legal advice from the person who is abusing you. That’s insane, and yet we do it all the time. So don’t assume that because he says you can’t take the children, that is true.

And don’t assume that because you’re afraid of being accused of kidnapping, that the safest thing to do is leave your children behind. If the children are in danger, or if you are in danger and they are with you, you need real advice from someone who understands both safety and the law in your state.

This is one of those things where it’s like y- we can feel like we’re damned if we’re, we do and damned if we don’t. If you leave because he’s never abused your children and they’re safe, but you feel safe and you leave the children [00:38:00] there, even for a night, then the judge, who has no training in domestic abuse, might say, you left them with him, so how bad could it have been?”

Sometimes protective parents can seek emergency custody, and you can do it on an ex parte motion, which means that you… it’s an emergency hearing before the judge that happens right away. Ex parte means without the other party present, so you don’t have to go with them. You just go before a judge and you say, “Here’s the deal.”

They grant you the temporary emergency custody until a hearing can happen later on. Sometimes domestic violence protective orders can include test- temporary custody provisions. Sometimes there are emergency legal pathways when a child or parent is being threatened. Sometimes leaving the state creates serious legal complications.

Sometimes staying in the same state, but going to a confidential location is the better strategy. Sometimes the safest move is to leave first and file. Sometimes it’s safer to consult an attorney before leaving. I can’t [00:40:00] tell you which is true for you. But I can tell you this: your abuser’s threats are not legal consultation.

They are a control tactic until proven otherwise, okay? Even if they’re actually an attorney, especially if they’re an attorney. I don’t care what they say. So when you call the advocate, when you call a shelter and ask to speak with an advocate, I want you to say things really clearly and plainly. “I have children.

I’m afraid to leave with them because he says I will be accused of kidnapping. I’m afraid to leave without them because I believe they may be unsafe. I need legal information and a safety plan.” When you talk to an attorney, you say, “I need advice about how to leave safely with my children, whether I need an emergency custody order or a restraining order, whether there are relocation issues in our state, and how to document the safety concerns without making unsupported claims.”

This is a very different conversation from “Can I move out, and [00:41:00] can I take my kids?” You are framing it by asking about risk, the children, court, documentation, and timing. Okay? A quick note about abandonment because that word terrifies women. If you leave your home, does that mean I’ve, I can’t leave because it means I’ve abandoned my house?

If you leave without your kids because you had no safe way to take them in that moment, does that mean you abandoned them? If you flee to safety, does that make you look unstable? Blah, blah, blah. These are legal and strategic questions, and the answers definitely depend on your jurisdiction and the facts.

But in the real world, fear of abandonment keeps women in dangerous situations. So instead of trying to solve that fear by Googling at 2:00 AM, let’s bring it directly to a legal advocate or attorney. I want you to ask them, “If I leave the home for safety reasons, how do I document why I left? If I need to leave quickly, what should I file and how soon?

If I cannot safely take the children in the first [00:42:00] moment, what should I do immediately after? If I take the children to a safe location, what notifications, filings, or protections might be required?” If I go to a shelter or confidential location, how do I protect the address? If there’s no custody order, what are my rights and risks?

If there’s already a custody order, what are my rights and risks? Again, you’ve gotta hear the difference, right? You’re not asking, am I allowed to survive? You’re asking, what is the safest legal pathway for survival? And that’s the level of support that you need. So as I said, some of you might be listening and thinking, “Okay, but my situation is not that bad,” right?

And maybe it isn’t. Maybe you are not in immediate physical danger. Maybe the abuse is emotional, financial. It always is almost. Maybe it’s legal, sexual, technological, spiritual, psychological. Maybe he’s never hit you. Maybe he’s never threatened to kill you. Maybe you’re dealing with hi- you know, coercive control, intimidation, threats, surveillance, [00:43:00] isolation, financial restriction, stalking, explosive rage that never quite crosses the line that people recognizes as, quote, dangerous.

So I want you to understand something. Safety planning is still appropriate. You do not have to wait for violence to become visible to plan for your safety. And domestic violence can include emotional, financial, and online abuse. It can include controlling your money, isolating you from support, even if that’s not obvious.

It might be a little more covert. Badmouthing your friends so that you don’t feel quite as comfortable or confident about them. It can include just vague threats. So if your body is telling you, “I need to be careful,” you have to listen to that. Not in a vague, trust your gut and hope for the best, right?

Not that way, but in a concrete way. Write down what you’re afraid of. Call an advocate. Get legal information. Check your technology. Gather documents. Prepare your money. Make a plan for your children. [00:44:00] Decide who is safe to know. Do not announce a decision before you have support in place. And that’s really important, right?

‘Cause there’s a version of leaving that is emotionally honest and strategically unsafe. You finally hit your limit. You tell him you’re done. You tell him you’re filing. You tell him you’re taking the kids. You tell him you’ve talked to an attorney. You tell him you’ve been documenting. You tell him you’re not afraid of him anymore.

And maybe in a healthier relationship, that would be a hard conversation but in an abusive relationship, it can be the moment that everything escalates. Everything can shift on that dime. You do not owe advance notice to someone who may use that notice to harm you, to drain your bank accounts, to hide documents, take your children, destroy evidence, threaten you, stalk you, manipulate the story before you have protection in place, right?

Again, talk to your attorney about legal notice requirements, but emotionally, I want you to release this fantasy that the safest version of leaving is always the most [00:37:00] transparent version. Even if you don’t feel like the threats are physical and that big and that overt, sometimes the safest version is quiet.

The safest version might look like nothing is happening while you are making various serious plans behind the scenes. On a more practical level, a safety plan has to include, or should include, probably will include a bag, right? The bag isn’t the plan. The plan is knowing where the bag is, what’s in it, who knows about it, how you access it, whether he could find it, and what happens if you can’t get to it.

So in that bag, and again, there’s a list of this in the show notes, you may want identification for you and the kids, copies of documents, cash, medications, prescriptions, keys, a prepaid phone if it’s safe. This is your burner. Char- and a charger. That thing needs to be charged. You need to check to make sure it’s charged.

You need clothes. [00:47:00] You need comfort items for the kids. Glasses or contacts small keepsakes, copies of restraining orders, custody documents, all of the stuff that, we listed before and that is in the show notes. And a list of important phone numbers written on paper because phones die, phones get taken, so you need…

and we don’t remember phone numbers anymore, so keep some things on paper. It is not safe to keep that bag in your home. It should be with a trusted friend. If you can’t gather the originals of some of those documents, take photos. If taking photos is not safe, write down numbers, identification numbers, right?

S- if you can’t access money right now, start with information. If you can’t access legal help today, start with the hotline. Safety planning does not have to be all or nothing. It can be one protective step at a time. An important note about your fur babies, ’cause they’re often used as leverage. If you have pets, include them in the plan.

Ask local DV agencies if there are pet-friendly shelters. There are often a lot. There are [00:48:00] foster programs for pets in domestic violence because there are animal welfare partnerships. They do consider these really important for victims, and so there are lots of programs that help take in your animals until you get settled.

Or you can ask a trusted friend if they could take the pet temporarily. Do not assume that you have to choose between your safety and your animal if there are local options. Let’s find out about those in advance. There may not be enough options, and I hate that, but at least ask. You also wanna take photograph, pictures, or video of valuables and the property.

If you can safely do walk through the house with your phone and videotape everything in the home if it is safe for you to do if he has surveillance cameras around, maybe don’t do it, or do it covertly. Take pictures of your jewelry, your safe, what’s in the safe, business equipment, documents, of course, vehicles, collectibles, anything you might lead, later need to prove existed or was in the home when you [00:49:00] left it.

Don’t risk your life over property, but if you are still in the planning stage and can safely document, document. I also wanna touch a little bit on communication after you leave. Because leaving, of course, is not the finish line , right? For many women, leaving is when the abuse changes form. The relationship ends, and the post-separation abuse begins.

So now it comes through custody exchanges, parenting apps, attorneys, financial delays, smear campaigns, court filings, stalkings, school shit, medical decisions, right? They’re gonna, they’re gonna oppose you at any, every turn. Refusal to pay, follow agreements, th- or a sudden interest in parenting, all of the things.

“Oh, we just have to have one conversation.” So your safety plan also needs a communication plan. How will you communicate after you leave? What channel will you be on? Is it text, pa- co-parenting app, email? What are your boundaries? [00:51:00] What will you respond to? What will you not respond to? Who will review the messages if you are too activated?

Will you use a parenting app? Yes, I hope you will. Will exchanges happen at school? Do they need to happen at the police station or a supervised visitation center, a public place? Often you’ll see exchanges happening places like McDonald’s because there are cameras everywhere at a McDonald’s. You’ll see it happening at the police station, which I just think is horrible for children, but also is sometimes the most safe way to go.

So if that’s the deal, that’s the deal. Will someone else be present? Will you always bring someone so that their escalation stays in check? Does your workplace need a photo of him so that if he shows up, they know to call security? Does the children’s school need legal documents? Who will you need to change the emergency contacts at their school?

So a safety plan after leaving is about reducing access to you, access to your body, your nervous system, your location, your children, your money, your [00:52:00] attention. Leaving is a process. Leaving safely is a strategy. And there’s… I, I wanna say something too also to, the woman who’s already gone but feels like she did it wrong.

If you’re listening to this and you’re like I f- didn’t do any of those things,” right? Maybe you left without a plan. Maybe you had to. Maybe the incident happened, and you grabbed your kids, and you left. Maybe you left without documents or your medication. You went back. You told him too much. W- all of those things, you know- You did what you could with the information, support, and capacity that you had at that time.

You can still safety plan now, right? You can still call a shelter and get legal aid and get support from an advocate now. You can make a post-separation safety plan now. You can consult an attorney, right? The point of this episode is not to make you feel like you failed if you didn’t do it properly, right?

There is no perfect safety plan, right? A safety plan is everything that you write down that might happen, and then you’ve [00:53:00] got this other person who historically has been volatile and unpredictable. So there is no perfect plan, but there is… There might be a more informed plan than the one you had yesterday.

And if you’re still in it, if you are still in the house, and if he is in the next room, and if you’re listening with one earbud in while doing the dishes or walking the dog or sitting in the car after school pickup, I want you to keep this very small today. Do not try to solve the whole thing tonight.

It’s a big undertaking. This is a very dense episode. Don’t make a dramatic announcement. Don’t confront him with what you learned or something, right? Don’t tell him you’re making a safety plan, for God’s sake, right? The next step might be as simple as using a safe device to look up your local shelter or agency in your county.

It might be asking a friend, “If I ever needed to leave quickly, could I come to you?” It might be just, your next step might just be taking photos of documents. Your next step might be just checking whether location sharing is on. Calling [00:54:00] legal aid. Opening a separate email from a safe device. Making a list of what you’re most afraid he will do.

Small steps, baby steps, one thing at a time. Small does not mean insignificant because small is often how safety is built, incrementally over time. And a safety plan is not about living in fear. It’s about refusing to let fear be the only thing in the room. Fear says, “I can’t.” A plan says, “Here’s what I need to know.”

Fear says, “He’ll destroy me.” A plan says, “Who can help me reduce the risk?” Fear says, “No one will believe me.” A plan says, “What documentation do I need?” Fear says, “I’ll lose my kids.” A plan says, I need legal advice from someone who understands domestic abuse. Fear says, I’m trapped. A plan says, maybe not today, but I can take one private step.

So that’s what we’re doing here. Not panic, not fantasy, not just leave. Strategy. [00:55:00] So if you’re in immediate danger, I want you to contact emergency services if it is safe to do if you are in the US, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at one eight hundred seven nine nine SAFE, S-A-F-E.

You can text the word START to eight eight seven eight eight, or go to thehotline.org from a safe device. They also have this a quick close button on that site, so if someone comes in the room, you just hit that button and you’re out. If you’re outside of the US, search for your local domestic violence hotline or emergency services from a safe device now.

Have it saved in your phone. You can save these phone numbers under a false name. If you’re not in immediate danger, but you know that you need ongoing support while going through divorce, custody, documentation, communication, and the next strategic step, as always, Phoenix Rising is here for that deeper, ongoing work.

It is not a replacement for emergency support or [00:57:00] legal advice, but it is a place where you do not have to keep making these decisions in isolation. You deserve support that understands the reality of what you’re navigating. You deserve a plan that protects more than just your feelings. You deserve a plan that protects your life, your children, your future, and your ability to make decisions without being controlled by his threats.

So start quietly, start safely, and start with just one step. I love you, and I will see you next week

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DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

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