An Open Letter To Your Ex

Many moms tell me that their ex simply won’t collaborate with them. It breaks my heart to see people who are otherwise mentally stable, intelligent people refuse to put their own resentments aside in service of what might truly be best for their children.

{I also have a lot of women come to me who are divorcing malignant narcissists, and this letter absolutely doesn’t apply to them.}

If your ex is a mentally stable person who’s having a hard time letting go of resentment and blame and it’s affecting your kids, I wrote this open letter for you to share in hopes that it might move the needle towards greater collaboration in service of your children.

To the loving father of my children,

I know we haven’t always gotten along. I know things are a total shit-show for both of us right now. I know you’re hurt. I hope you know that I’m hurting as well. I’m angry, you’re angry. You’re pretty sure that if I just did x, y or z none of this would be happening right now, and God knows you may be right.

But that’s not what this letter is about.

I don’t want to argue the whys and hows. We’ve been doing that for so long, and honestly, I’m just so tired of fighting with you. That’s why we’re at this crossroads, isn’t it? So we can stop doing this to each other?

So I’m coming to you now with my sword laid down, my arms uncrossed, my palms up, and my heart open.

I’m coming to ask you to join me in putting our pasts behind us so that we can put our children in front of us.

I’m coming to tell you that I will stop blaming you. I will honor your place as the other parent of our beloved children. I will work with you to come up with the best co-parenting plan, the best custody schedule, the best living arrangements, and the best financial arrangements for our children.

Not for me, but for them.

And I’m asking you to join me.

I’m tired of being blamed. I’m tired of blaming you. I’m tired of our children being torn apart in the name of one of us “winning.” Because who really wins when they lose?

We worked so hard to try to make our marriage work, and it didn’t. Is it possible for us, then, to try to make this divorce work? For us to respect one another enough as equals in co-parenting to do this one thing well — co-parenting through divorce?

Is it possible for us to have one unified thought, that of what’s truly best for our children? I’ll work like hell to put my ego aside, to put my hurt and resentments on the back burner, to try to see clearly what is truly best for them, even if it means I have to lose some things I’ve been fighting for till now.

I’m not giving you an ultimatum — “I’ll do this only if you do it too.” In fact, I’m willing to be the first to come out of the corner where I’ve been standing, arms crossed, daggers shooting from my eyes (and perhaps, on occasion, my fingertips via text or email).

I’ll make the first move.

Because the way we’ve been doing this isn’t working for any of us.

Please join me here, on neutral ground, where our children come first, and nothing else matters.

In love and peace,

Your loving ex + mother of your children

For more information on how to have a collaborative divorce that puts your kids at the center, not in the middle, of every decision you make, sign up for The Divorce Course today.