This weekend, I’m getting married. And before you’re like, wait, what podcast am I listening to? stay with me. Because if you’ve been here a while, you know this show isn’t just about leaving. It’s about what comes after. It’s about what’s possible. So today I’m talking about what happens when you don’t settle, what healthy love actually feels like, and how to know when you’ve found it.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to record this one. So many of you are in the thick of heartbreak, confusion, fear, grief, and I never want to hold something up that feels inaccessible. But then I started telling my clients I’d be gone for a bit, and something really beautiful happened. One burst into tears. Not just for me, but with this sense of oh my god, this is possible. This exists. This might be real for me someday too.

So here it is. Not as a prize at the end of divorce. Not as a reward for leaving. But, as a reflection of the work.

What you’ll hear about in this episode:

• The question almost every client asks me: how would I know?
• What it feels like to stop bracing for impact
• The baseline you’re allowed to want, and why it isn’t “too much”
• Why this isn’t about rushing to find your person
• The relationship that has to come first is the one with yourself, no matter what

✨ If you’d like to watch the video version of this episode, you can find it here.

Resources & Links:

Save the Date: Unbreakable Retreat, September 10th through 13th in Sedona, Arizona
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
The Divorce Survival Guide Resource Bundle
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective
Kate on Instagram
Kate on Facebook
Kate’s Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast Episodes are also available YouTube!
Seven Step Mindset Reset for Divorce 

Show Transcript:

Kate Anthony: Hey everyone. Welcome back. So this episode is a little different because this weekend I’m getting married and before you’re like, okay, what podcast am I listening to? I know it’s a divorce podcast, but if you’ve been here for a while, you know that this isn’t just about leaving, it’s about what comes after.

It’s about what’s possible, and this is part of it. Apparently I have been thinking a lot about whether I wanted to record this episode, not because it’s a secret. You all, if you’ve been listening, I got engaged, you know about Ethan, but I’m also very aware of who’s listening, right? And so many of you are in the middle of heartbreak, confusion, fear, grief, and I never wanna feel like I’m holding something up that feels.

Inaccessible or whatever, right? It’s important to me to be [00:01:00] mindful of who I’m speaking to and at what point in your lives. I’m speaking to you. But then something really beautiful started happening when I was talking to my clients. ’cause I was telling clients like, I’m gonna be gone and this is why. And.

They responded with so much joy. I had one client literally burst into tears, and not just for me, but with this sense of hope oh my God, this is possible. This exists, this is real. I might be able to have this. After all of this is done. At some point, there’s hope, and that is why I wanna share this with you today, because it’s not just about me getting married.

This is what happens when you don’t settle. So I wanna talk a little bit about, what feels different, right? Because a lot of you are asking yourselves how would I know and how do I trust it? How do I trust the relationship? How do I trust a man? If you are heterosexual, what should it feel like?

And I wanna be really clear that this difference is [00:02:00] not about perfection. It’s not that everything is always easy and perfect. The difference is in the foundation. And in my vows to Ethan, I wrote something about this being a relationship that was built on so much trust. This is a man who literally not once made me ever question where he stood, what he wanted, how he felt.

No matter what. I know this man loves me, and I know he chooses me over and over every single day. Whatever issues we go through from day one. I have felt chosen and completely and utterly his priority and focus. And for many of you you’ve been in relationships where you’ve not felt that all the relationships I was in prior to that, I didn’t really feel that, right?

I always felt like there was a foot out, there was very little honesty [00:03:00] and, choosing each other wasn’t this like mutual thing. For many of you, this is what you’re living through, what you’re grappling with or what you’re coming out of, right? You are the one choosing over and over again, alone and not being fully and completely chosen.

Things can get really confusing because if you’ve been experienced, if you’ve experienced emotional abuse or coercive control, like it’s really hard to know what it feels like to be chosen to be. In a healthy relationship, right? So look healthy love is not this intense feeling in a way that destabilizes you.

It’s not confusing. You don’t have to constantly analyze it and look at it from this direction, from that direction and am I being, or maybe he’s being, or maybe he’s this or maybe I’m that, or no, it’s not something you have to figure out. Healthy love is steady, and for some of us that.

Feel a little [00:04:00] boring at first. Now, what I will say is that by the time I met Ethan, it wasn’t boring at all. It was grounding, but in the past, maybe it would’ve felt boring. I don’t know. ’cause I can’t like sliding doors that, and be like if I had met him in the past, it would’ve felt this way.

I don’t know, but. Here’s what I do now. Here’s how it feels to feel grounded in a relationship. It feels like knowing where you stand at all times, not questioning your reality, not questioning how he feels about you, not questioning how you feel about him, not bracing for impact. It’s being able to exhale.

It’s not walking on eggshells, it’s not managing someone else’s emotional state in order to keep the peace. It’s not shrinking yourself to avoid conflict. It’s being able to show up fully and not be punished for it. I always say that in my relationship with Ethan, I am embody parts of [00:06:00] myself I have never even known existed because I am.

So relaxed and so free and so safe that these parts of me bubble up. They’re goofy, they’re silly. They’re like, I don’t even know. And I’m like, who’s that? Oh, wow. Interesting. Because I’m not shrinking myself. I expand. I have expanded so much in this relationship.

And that is so unfamiliar. I’ve never been in a relationship where I felt like I was just so free to take up all the space, all of it. Extra space, more space, different space. When you’ve been in a high conflict or abusive relationship, that kind of healthy love, it can feel really unfamiliar.

Like I said before, it might feel boring, but it can also just feel too calm, right? Like, where’s the [00:07:00] intensity? Why am I not anxious? What is something missing? And what’s actually missing is chaos, right? It’s not chaos and your nervous system might have to recalibrate to that, and that’s part of the work because not settling isn’t just about leaving and getting out.

It’s about being able to receive something different. And that takes time. A lot of time, a lot of healing. A lot of you know that I’ve been divorced for almost 17 years. I was single for a full eight before I met Ethan.

I, I wanna talk about this idea of settling, right? Because most of you aren’t consciously going around saying I think I’m going to settle. None of us do that. We do. Ultimately, sometimes when we meet someone we’re like he’s this and he’s that. But it’s okay, right?

But for the most part, what’s happening is you’re adapting, [00:08:00] you’re tolerating, you’re minimizing, you’re telling yourself like it’s not that bad. Every relationship has problems. Relationships are work, right? That’s the big one. Relationships are work. Maybe I’m just expecting too much, but here’s the thing, right?

Wanting respect. Is not expecting too much. Wanting emotional safety is not expecting too much, wanting consistency is not expecting too much. That is the fucking baseline, y’all the baseline. So if there’s anything that I want you to take away from this, it’s that, first of all, you don’t have to rush to find this.

It’s not about leave and immediately find your own, your next relationship at all. That is not the point. The point is knowing what exists, what’s possible, so that when you’re making decisions about your life, you are not calibrating your expectations based on dysfunction. You’re calibrating them based on what is actually possible.

I also want you to know that like my relationship is not a [00:09:00] reward for leaving. It’s not a prize at the end of divorce. It’s a reflection of the work. Again, the time, the space, the clarity, the boundaries, the willingness to not abandon myself again, and that is available to you whether or not you ever choose to partner again, because the goal isn’t just a healthy relationship with someone else.

It is a healthy relationship with yourself. First, so that you prioritize yourself. You choose yourself. You honor and respect, and know yourself enough to know when a relationship does not meet the bar, and if you keep saying no to the things that do not rise to the level that you are worthy of, it’s possible.

That something else, that does rise to that level will show up for you. And if it doesn’t, you will still be happy. You will still feel fulfilled within yourself. [00:10:00] So this weekend I’m gonna stand in front of all the people that I love and make vows that feel grounded in reality and not in fantasy.

Not hope that someone will change, but in who we actually are as a couple. And I just wanna say thank you to you guys, to this community, to my clients, for holding space for my joy, for allowing my joy, for reflecting back something really beautiful that hope can exist even in the middle of all of this.

And if you’re listening and you’re in the thick of it, I want this to be a reminder. You do not have to settle not for confusion or instability for being half loved. There is so much more. Even if you can’t see it yet, that doesn’t mean it’s not real, and that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist for you. It might, but the only way it does is if you do the work, get on the other side, heal and really lean [00:11:00] into your self.

Before we wrap it up, I also wanna share one more thing with you, which is that if. In listening to this episode, you’re feeling that pull to reconnect with yourself, to be in a space where you don’t have to explain or defend yourself, and you wanna lean more deeply into yourself and your own development and growth.

This September 10th through 13th, my retreat. Unbreakable is coming back. We are going back to Sedona, Arizona. We are going to be again at the Ancient Springs Retreat Center, which is a completely private retreat center. So we have the whole place to ourselves. Nobody else is allowed in while we’re in there, and you get to hold space and be held in a space.

Be taken care of, surrounded by women [00:12:00] who are going through exactly what you’ve been through. So again, that’s September 10th through 13th. Registration is opening on May 4th, so you’ll hear more about it soon. But for now, save the date. Look at your parenting plan, your custody schedule, see if you can work some things out, shift some things around.

I’m giving you fair notice. And it is really, it is. I cannot tell you enough about what a magical weekend it is to be in that space with a bunch of women and with other people taking care of you at your every need. Mark the calendar, save the date, and I will talk to you guys when I am back from my wedding and honeymoon.

I love you so very much. Thank you for being here and as always, for doing the work that you’re doing and for being you. Bye.

===================

DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

===================