The second shift is a term coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild to describe the extra work that women do in the household after they get home from work. This includes all the chores and caregiving tasks that keep a family running smoothly like cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of kids and pets, dealing with finances, and overall household management.

It’s like we’re working two jobs — one paid and one unpaid — while men are only asked to be responsible for their paid work outside the home. Even when women work outside the home, research shows that we still do the majority of the unpaid work in the home, too.

According to a report by Oxfam and the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, “On an average day, women in the United States spend 37 percent more time on unpaid household and care work than men.”

The Invisible Workload: Understanding Mental Labor in Home Management

It’s not just the second shift that’s the problem. It’s the unequal division of mental labor that often goes along with it. The mental load of motherhood. This is the invisible work of managing a household — keeping track of everyone’s schedules, making sure there’s enough toilet paper in the bathroom, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, and generally making sure that everything runs smoothly. 

Mental labor can be just as taxing as physical labor. Why? Because it’s absolutely relentless.

And let’s be real here: women are often the ones who end up doing the lion’s share of mental labor. It’s not that men are incapable of doing it. It’s just that they’ve always been able to outsource this task and skirt responsibility for it. They’re simply used to it being taken care of for them. But when women bring it up, we’re met with defensiveness or outright dismissal.

The Invisible Workload: Addressing the Burden of Emotional Labor

It’s not just about mental labor — emotional labor is also a big part of the inequality we face in relationships. Emotional labor is the emotional caretaking we often find ourselves doing for our partners because they won’t go to fucking therapy.

But emotional labor shouldn’t be solely our responsibility. Yet here we are, managing their emotions for them and providing endless support. Men need to step up, be responsible for their own emotional well-being, and actively contribute to sharing the load.

The second shift: Women’s work or everyone’s responsibility?

When it comes to household tasks, men will often expect to be praised for doing the bare minimum. And women? We’re expected to silently carry the load without complaint. 

Listen — I’m all for positive reinforcement and expressing appreciation when our partners do something helpful. But when men need to be showered with accolades for doing something that women do behind the scenes all day every day, that’s a problem…

This dynamic sets up a power imbalance in the relationship. When men expect to be congratulated for every load of laundry they fold or dish they wash, it reinforces the idea that household chores are “women’s work” and that men are doing us a favor by “helping out.”

But here’s the thing: household tasks are NOT women’s work. They’re work that needs to be done. They’re everyone’s work. And when men act like they’re going above and beyond by doing something as simple as putting away their own clothes, it sends the message that they don’t see the work that women do as equally important.

Weaponized Incompetence: Why some men pretend to be “bad” at chores.

Does this sound familiar? You ask your husband to do something, and he acts like he has no idea what you’re talking about. He’s “not sure” how to do the laundry or load the dishwasher. He’s “bad” at grocery shopping. And somehow, he gets out of doing the task because “you do it better.”

It’s infuriating, right?

Men aren’t dumb. They know what has to be done. And they know how to do it! It’s just easier to “suck at it” so you’ll do it for them. This is weaponized incompetence, and it’s his way of avoiding responsibility and actively choosing to let everything fall on your shoulders.

So, what do we do about all of this? 

It’s no fucking surprise that WE are the ones shouldering the burden of having to do something about this. Just add it to the already-insane list of unseen labor we have to take on…

But someone’s gotta do it, right? So here are some things you can do to make things more equal:

  • Have open and honest communication with your partner. 

Talk about our expectations and responsibilities in the home and the need to make sure that both partners are contributing equally. Hand your husband a copy of Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play and sit back and watch if they actually fucking read it. Don’t read it yourself and then explain it to them. If they give a shit that you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, they’ll work to make it right. And if they don’t, guess what that means?

  • Shift your mindset

All domestic tasks should be shared equally, regardless of who “works” or “doesn’t work.” This has to start with how you view things as well. Get the word “help” out of your vocabulary STAT.

  • Call out weaponized incompetence when you see it. 

It’s not acceptable for one partner to avoid responsibility by pretending they don’t know how to do something. Learn this phrase: “You’re a smart man. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

  • Opt-out.

I’m a big fan of Zawn’s “quiet quitting” revolution. Zawn has called for women to “quiet quit” household labor — and, on a larger scale, their abusive marriages. This doesn’t mean leaving physically, but emotionally detaching yourself from a situation that’s not serving you. 

It means taking back control and refusing to allow someone else to make you feel guilty or like you don’t deserve better. It means leaving the laundry on the damn floor where he left it. Quiet quitting may seem like giving up, but in reality, it’s a powerful act of self-care and self-love. 

We deserve better. We deserve equality in ALL aspects of our lives, including in the home. We deserve partners who are willing to step up and take responsibility for the household and family they helped create.

If you’re ready to stand in your power, ditch the second shift, and demand equality in your relationship, but don’t have the confidence to do so yet — I can help.

I’m Kate Anthony, a coach for women who are contemplating, going through, and recovering from divorce. I invite you to join Grit & Grace, my intimate community coaching experience. 

Even if divorce isn’t on your radar, my program can give you the tools to build the confidence, clarity, and purpose you need in a healthy relationship. And the best part? You do it all while surrounded by a supportive, nurturing community of women.

You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you. Let’s stand together, love. Because together, we have the strength to end the second shift once and for all.