When it comes to surviving — and thriving — during divorce or in a difficult relationship, the hardest lesson many of us learn is this: it is not your job to fix someone else’s life.

As I often tell my clients, “It’s not your job to heal your partner’s childhood wounds, to make him show up for your kids, or to carry the entire mental load while you drown in resentment.”

In one of my most popular podcast episodes, I break down the truth that so many women need to hear: you are allowed to stop overfunctioning.

Overfunctioning — doing for others what they could and should do for themselves — is one of the clearest signs of codependency. And it’s often rooted in the fear that if you let go of control, everything will fall apart. As I said on the show:

“If you want someone to show up as a grownup, you have to treat them like a grownup.”

Setting boundaries is not about controlling someone else’s behavior — it’s about managing your own. It’s about letting go of the endless reminders, the frantic list-making, the unpaid emotional labor. It’s about allowing natural consequences to happen so that your partner, ex, or co-parent can grow up and step up.

Ask yourself:

• What am I doing for my partner that they could do for themselves?
• What am I trying to control?
• What’s the worst that will happen if I stop?

As you pull back, your biggest fear might be, “What if they fail?” Let them. Let them pack the wrong lunch, miss the school conference, forget the birthday gift. As I shared on the podcast:

“Give him the benefit of the embarrassment and shame. If you keep doing it for him, he’ll never need to grow up.”

Boundaries are not walls — they’re your personal lines that protect your time, energy, and sanity. When you stop doing things that are not your job, you make space for yourself: for healing, for rediscovering your self-worth, and for building the confidence you’ll need as you navigate life after divorce.

Remember: it’s not your job to heal him, fix him, or carry him. It is your job to heal yourself.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. This episode sparked one of the most powerful conversations in our community — because reclaiming what is and isn’t your responsibility is the first step to recovering from emotional abuse and building unshakeable self-esteem.

Ready to make it real? Start with this: write down one thing you do for someone else that you’re ready to stop doing — and let it go. You deserve that freedom.