September 11th, 2023
Are you feeling stuck in limbo, contemplating what to do when you want a divorce?
As a divorce coach that empowers women going through divorce, trust me when I say you’re not alone.
Because here’s the thing — women in cis-hetero relationships have to do everything. Literally everything. And we’re exhausted. The invisible weight of life’s tasks is relentless, and we never get a break from it. Even in divorce.
So you may find yourself thinking…
- “I’ve done everything in our marriage. I take care of the kids, the house, and everyone’s schedules.”
- “I told him I’m not happy, but nothing has changed.”
- “I’ve made all the therapy appointments and read all the books.”
- “This needs to end, but do I really have to walk this all the way down the line like I’ve done for everything else?!”
If you’re wondering if YOU have to be the one to initiate the hard conversation — and then own all of the grueling work that comes with a divorce — I have a hard truth for you…
Yeah, you do.
Let’s talk about why it has to be you.
The hard truth about divorce
69% of divorces are initiated by women, and there’s a reason for that.
Your husband might not want to separate because your dynamic works for him, even if it’s not working for you.
Men don’t typically seek emotional intimacy the same way women do, so your checked-out state might be precisely what he wants. But if that’s not what you want, then you’ll need to make the move.
Also, because women take care of alllllll of the labor, marriage benefits men (to the detriment of women). Why would they want to leave that and make life harder for themselves? They simply aren’t going to.
And that’s why YOU are going to have to drive this bus. YOU will have to muster the strength and figure out how to have the divorce talk—and then do all the work to actually get divorced.
Hiring a mediator…
Filling out the endless paperwork…
Creating the co-parenting agreement…
Yep, that’s all going to be on you.
I know, it’s exhausting.
You’re tired… You’ve driven every bus your marriage has been on for all of eternity. And you don’t want to drive any more buses! I hear you.
But if you want a divorce and to finally lay claim to the life you deserve, you’re gonna have to drive one last bus, love.
It’s going to take every ounce of strength you have, but you can do this. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do — even worse than childbirth! But it’s a necessary step towards your freedom and happiness.
So now that you know YOU have to be the one to own the overwhelming task of divorce — let’s talk about how you can prepare yourself for the hard conversation.
Here are 5 things you can do to find your inner strength and get out of limbo:
Get rooted in your highest truth.
Before having the conversation, it’s important to tap into your inner knowing and power. This means understanding your values, what you want out of life, and what is truly important to you. Understanding all the reasons why you want a divorce will empower you to take that leap.
Make a list of all the things that matter to you, and use this as a reference point when making decisions. When you have a clear sense of what you want and need, you’ll arm yourself with the confidence you need to follow through with your decision.
Journal like crazy.
Journaling is a powerful tool that helps you process your emotions and identify patterns in your behavior. Writing has a way of helping you sort through some really tough shit…
And I don’t just mean writing every now and then… I’m talking pages and pages and pages. Get all the thoughts out, and don’t hold back. This is what Julia Cameron teaches in her book, The Artist’s Way, and it has been transformative for me and my clients.
Because you can’t continue to write and write and write and complain about the same shit over and over again and not DO something about it. You get so sick of it that you have to do something about it!
So WRITE. Journal your thoughts and feelings every day. And use it as a tool to motivate you to tell him, “I want a divorce” — and push through the challenging steps required to make it official.
Confide in a safe person.
Talking to someone you trust can help you work through your thoughts and emotions. Find a friend, family member, or therapist who can be a sounding board and offer support as you navigate this difficult time.
This can have the same effect as journaling, too. When you hear yourself verbalizing the same problems over and over again out loud, you’ll face the fact that something’s gotta give. And having someone to confide in can make all the difference in finding the courage to take the wheel of your divorce.
Taking care of yourself is essential during this time. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and eating a healthy diet. Fortify yourself by taking extra good care of your baselines.
So that bottle of wine every night? She’s got to go, love. Self-medicating with alcohol is only going to make you feel waaaaay worse.
Instead, find the help you need to carry you through this intense period in a healthy way. Seek out a therapist or coach (hi! ) who can offer support and guidance as you prioritize your own needs. Do everything in your power to keep your focus on caring for yourself so you can get through the most difficult time of your life.
Enroll in a program.
Taking a program is a helpful way to gain the tools and skills you need to find your inner strength before, during, and after divorce. The right program will help you learn how to set boundaries, deal with your inner critic, and stay grounded in your core values — so you feel strong and secure going into your divorce.
Remember that having the hard conversation — and doing literally everything else — is going to take every ounce of strength that you have. But staying in something that suffocates you will take far more out of you in the long run. You deserve to live a life that feels fulfilling and authentic to you! So take the leap, have the “I want a divorce” conversation, and start the next chapter of your life.
Get the support you need
If you’re looking for high-level coaching and support, I invite you to join, Grit & Grace, my intimate community coaching experience for women contemplating, going through, and recovering from divorce.
Surrounded by a supportive group of women, you’ll get grounded into your core and learn to recognize your power. Grab your seat in the program today and start building the confidence, clarity, and purpose you’re craving — so you’ll have the courage to own your decision, “I want a divorce.”