When you’re stuck in a cycle of emotional abuse — especially the covert kind — you often don’t even know it’s happening. You just feel crazy. You feel like you’re the problem. You twist yourself into knots trying to fix the relationship, when in reality, the problem was never you.

If you’re recovering from emotional abuse, you need to know this: clarity is your first act of power.

Covert Emotional Abuse Thrives on Confusion

One thing I see again and again as a divorce coach for women is that covert abuse — sometimes called coercive control — is uniquely devastating because it doesn’t leave visible bruises. It leaves you doubting your own reality.

Maybe your partner doesn’t yell or hit. Instead, they lie by omission, blame you for everything, deflect when you bring up real issues, or tell you you’re “too sensitive” when you set a boundary. You end up in endless loops trying to figure out how you can change to make them treat you better.

This is exactly what emotional abuse wants — your confusion.

Why Naming the Truth Is So Powerful

Recovering from emotional abuse starts with naming it.

Annette Oltmans, founder of The MEND Project and an advocate for survivors of covert abuse, says it perfectly:

“Clarity is the first step necessary to the healing journey. Until you can identify what you experienced, you don’t even know how to heal because you don’t know what you’re healing from.”

So many survivors stay stuck because they can’t put words to what’s happening. That’s why understanding the tactics is so powerful. Patterns like:

• Gaslighting — making you question your memory or sanity
• Blame-shifting — turning every concern back on you
• Minimization — telling you you’re overreacting
• Deflection — changing the topic to avoid accountability

When you name these, the confusion starts to lift.

The Hidden Harm of “Double Abuse”

Sadly, another layer of harm can happen when you reach out for help. Annette calls this double abuse — when therapists, faith leaders, or friends deny or mishandle your story. When the people who are supposed to help you, instead judge, dismiss, or blame you, it can deepen the wound.

This is why finding safe, trauma-informed support is so critical when recovering from emotional abuse. You need people in your corner who don’t question your reality — they help you reclaim it.

Your Healing Is Yours to Own

Here’s what I want every survivor to know: This is not your fault. You are not broken beyond repair.

Recovering from emotional abuse is about reconnecting with the one person you can trust: yourself. You don’t owe your story to anyone who can’t hold it with care. Find community. Learn the language. Work with people who actually understand covert abuse.

When you can say, “This is what happened to me,” you begin to reclaim your story. From there, you get to decide what you do next.

You are not too sensitive. You are not crazy. You are waking up — and that is your first act of power.

If you need help recovering from emotional abuse:

• Download free resources at The MEND Project
• Seek a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse or coercive control
• Connect with a divorce coach who centers your safety, sanity, and truth

You deserve clarity. You deserve healing. And you are not alone.