The holidays have a magical way of triggering every wound you’ve ever had. In this solo episode, I’m sharing how you can take care of yourself so you don’t lose your mind, your center, or your sanity in the process. Whether this is your first holiday season post separation, you’re holding it together until January to file, or you’re already divorced and juggling co-parenting, conflict, grief, or the pressure to make everything look “fine,” nothing you’re feeling means you’re a bad mom or a bad person. It means you’re human, and you deserve far more gentleness than you’ve ever been taught to give yourself.

You’ll hear me walk you through the predictable triggers and patterns that show up this time of year and why the holidays feel so damn hard. And together, we’ll shift into a new way of moving through the season that protects your peace and honors your truth. 

What you’ll hear about in this episode:

• The predictable patterns and triggers that show up every holiday season
• What your holiday reactions are actually rooted in and why they feel so overwhelming
• A new way of approaching the season that protects your peace and honors your truth
• Seven practical ways to care for yourself so you stay connected instead of collapsing under the pressure

✨ If you’d like to watch the video version of this episode, you can find it here.

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The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast Episodes are also available YouTube!

Show Transcript:

Kate Anthony: [00:00:00] Hey everyone. Welcome back. Today, I think we’re gonna talk about something that many of you need right now, and we are talking about why the holidays have a magical way of triggering every fucking wound you’ve ever had and how to take care of yourself. So don’t you, don’t lose your ever loving mind. So you don’t lose your mind, your center, or your sanity.

In the process. So maybe you’re heading into your first holiday season, post separation. Maybe you are still in there trying to hold it together for the kids or waiting for the holidays to be over so that you can file. You’re probably aware by now that January is considered divorce month for just that reason.

Everyone’s trying to get through the holidays before they. Shake everything up. Maybe you’re already divorced and you’re juggling co-parenting schedules, your ex’s chaos, your [00:01:00] own grief, whatever it is. Wherever you are in this process, if the holidays stir up, sadness, resentment, disappointment, dread.

You’re not alone, and it doesn’t make you a bad mom, a bad partner, or a bad person. It makes you human. It makes you someone who has lived through pain, who is navigating change and who deserves a little bit of gentleness this time of year. So let’s just talk a little honestly about it. Ugh, right? The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

The most wonderful time of the year, but if we’re being honest, they are often the most pressurized time of year. We have all this pressure to be happy, pressure to look like the perfect family. We got the perfect bows in our hair. Pressure to host, plan, [00:02:00] shop, wrap, organize, manage schedules, keep traditions alive, create tradition traditions, and not crumble.

Under the weight of all of it. And if you grew up in a chaotic home, the holidays probably weren’t magical. They were probably landmines, and you probably have some trauma around that, right? Your nervous system learned that holidays equal emotional danger. Then you add divorce or the contemplation of divorce.

Whichever, wherever you are in the stage of it, right? You add that into all of this. No wonder you feel triggered. You’re navigating grief, loneliness, awkward family dynamics, financial stress, co-parenting, memories of what used to be the loss of what you had hoped it would be, and the unrealistic expectation that you’re supposed to quote.

Make it special for everyone else. [00:03:00] That’s a lot. And then your body remembers everything. Everything. So holiday triggers tend to follow a predictable pattern. So let’s see if any of this feels familiar to you. First, there’s anticipation, anxiety. Your mind starts spinning weeks ahead. What’s the schedule gonna look like?

Is he gonna show up? What if he ruins everything? What if the kids feel the tension? What am I gonna do without them on Christmas morning? In my case, it’s you know what unreasonable expectation is my mother gonna have that she then puts onto me in order to, for her expectations to be, for her Christmas to be good.

But then it complete completely conflicts with everything that I wanna do, right? And our nervous systems are already activated before anything even happens. That’s the anticipation anxiety. You guys, I am not kidding you when I tell [00:04:00] you that I have a note, a reminder note that popped up this week.

That was a reminder to me from all the Christmases gone by to quell the anticipation anxiety, like reminders to manage my expectations, to not go overboard, to keep it really simple. And the last one is, get the fuck out of town, which I have not done because I have a kid and this year.

Living I, I’ve moved, I now have a fiance. I have a different life and a different, a whole different experience. It was funny when that note popped up to quell my anticipation anxiety. I was like, oh, wow, look at that. I might not actually have to worry about all of that this year.

It’s pretty cool, but, so this is where it starts, right? Anticipation, anxiety number two. Then old wounds start to surface. [00:05:00] You’ve got memories and disappointments and unmet needs from childhood and beyond that start bubbling up. You might start to feel like small, needy, overwhelmed, or even if you, your life looks fine on the outside, you’ve pro, you might have that inner child.

Who never really got the Christmas that she wanted or deserved. So she might start surfacing. And then the third thing that happens is that you start to over-function to make it nice for everybody, right? You start doing all the things because you wanna protect your kids, hide your pain, avoid conflict, cook meals, wrap gifts, decorate the house, orchestrate the magic, and secretly resent that no one.

Is doing the same for you. It’s like a period of perpetual output and eventually you wake up and realize that nobody’s [00:06:00] inputting to you. You start to resent that justifiably so might I add, so the fourth thing that happens is something goes wrong because of course it does. Someone makes a snide comment.

There’s a broken agreement, a schedule change, a forgotten responsibility. Somebody’s supposed to bring something and they don’t, or they don’t get a present that they were supposed to get. And suddenly, whoa, you are right back in that same wound, and you’re angry and you’re resentful, and you’re fucking pissed.

And then. Because now you’re triggered. Now you’re like, fuck you. I do everything. And the one thing you’re supposed to do, or you’re supposed to do, or you’re supposed to do whatever, you’re not doing it. And I have to do everything and nobody takes care of me, and I have to take care of everybody else, right?

And then it cycles right into the fifth step of this pattern, which is the shame spiral, right? You get mad at [00:07:00] yourself. For being triggered. You wonder why you can’t handle it better, why this always happens, why you can’t just enjoy the day, why can’t you go with the flow? Ugh. Does any of this sound familiar?

So again, this spiral is not a personal failing. It is a patterned response to patterned experiences. Because this has probably been happening for a lot longer than the last, 5, 10, 20 years maybe it’s been happening your whole fucking life. Here’s the truth. I wanna talk to you about what your holiday triggers are really about.

’cause they’re not really about the holidays, they’re about unmet needs, childhood pain. Family of origin, patterns, grief, perfectionism, emotional labor, the gap between the family you have and the family. You wanted, both family of origin and perhaps the current one. [00:08:00] The exhaustion of carrying everything alone.

It’s about the ongoing stress of dealing with someone who may be unpredictable or dismissive or abusive. And when the holidays roll around all of these things, they just get fucking louder and your body remembers what your mind has tried to forget. My mind tried so hard to forget it over, over, and over again that I put a fucking reminder note in my in my reminders to pop up the be like December 1st.

Because I got so tired of forgetting, this is where I wanna help you shift your energy. You don’t need to do the holidays perfectly. You don’t need to perform happiness. You don’t need to create magic out of thin air. All you need to do, [00:09:00] really, truly, genuinely, all you need to do is to stay connected to yourself.

Anything that flows from there is fucking magic.

So let’s walk through a new way of approaching this season one that protects your peace. It honors your truth and then takes some of the pressure off. Number one, get really honest about your capacity. So start by asking yourself, what can I realistically handle this year? What am I simply not available for?

What expectations am I carrying that I can let go of? And what would feel supportive to me, not just to everybody else, but to me? [00:10:00] So give yourself permission to scale down, have smaller traditions, simpler meals, less running around, more rest, right? Tis the season, by the way, for rest and rejuvenation. This is the winter.

This is hibernation time. What we really need in this time is rest and quiet. So over-functioning is usually a trauma response. And you don’t owe anyone the perfect holiday. And by the way, maybe for those other people, the perfect holiday would also be rest and peace and calm and, but the main thing is to get.

Really honest about your capacity. Okay? Number two, create a plan based on reality, not fantasy. So this is where your holiday postmortem guide becomes incredibly useful. This is my reminder note. [00:12:00] Look at the patterns from last year. What worked, what didn’t work, what blew up? What drained you? What surprised you?

And what do you vow to do differently? Or what did you vow to do differently last year when you looked at it, you’re like, I am never gonna blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because if it didn’t work last year, it will not magically work this year. No matter how hard you try to over-function your way into it, working better, it’s just not gonna happen.

Make decisions based on history, not hope. If your ex always changes the schedule at the last minute. Build in cushions and boundaries. If certain relatives always bring drama, limit your time with them or skip it entirely. Don’t invite them. Oh, if you always end up crying after hosting, maybe this year you don’t fucking host.

This isn’t pessimism, right? It’s self protection. Number three, possibly the [00:13:00] most important. Decide what you want the kids to remember. Your kids do not need perfect holidays. They need peaceful ones. Ask yourself, when my kids look back, what do I want them to feel? Usually, I don’t know, warmth, safety, closeness, not rushing around in tension and the perfect slicked back hair and bows and curling, right?

No kids remember emotional energy, not Pinterest aesthetics. So sometimes the most healing holiday you can give them is one where you. Are calm, grounded, and actually present. So number four, prepare for the hard moments before they happen, right? You already know your triggers. You know when the loneliness hits, you know which comments set you off.

You know which traditions sting. You know the moment the house gets quiet and the grief comes in. So plan for it. Ask yourself, what am I [00:13:00] gonna do when I feel that wave of sadness? Maybe you’re gonna like rush into the bathroom, take a deep breath, text a friend. Who can I message? What can I read or listen to stash it in the bathroom?

What grounding practice actually works for me. We’ve, we talk a lot on this podcast about grounding and somatic practices, but which ones actually work for you? It’s a trial and error. You’re gonna find it eventually, whatever that is, do it. What can I have ready for myself when the kids leave?

So my kids are gone. It’s halfway through the day. It’s Christmas morning, I’m alone. What can you have ready for yourself? Who can you be with even virtually, can you phone a friend, get on a Zoom? You deserve support. You do not need to white knuckle your way through everything, but it would be helpful.

[00:15:00] For you to prepare in advance. Number five, lower the bar seriously. Perfectionism is a trauma response. It’s a shield. It’s how you try to prevent disappointment, yours and everybody else’s, but the truth is lowering the bar is not giving up. It’s letting go. It’s letting go of elaborate dinners. The pressure to host the matching pajamas, the curated memories, the expectations of everybody else.

The fantasy of fixing a broken family with perfect holidays. Ugh, gross. Let this year be the year you choose ease over effort. Number six, build yourself a holiday care plan. So this can be super simple, but it does need to be intentional. So your care plan might include time alone before big gatherings where you’re not like setting the table and, but like actually enjoying 10 minutes of [00:16:00] solitude.

Your care plan might include leaving early when necessary. You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to over explain. You’re not gonna do an Irish goodbye, but you are gonna say you know what? I’m not feeling well. I need to go home, or I just need to, I need to take myself out. Whatever it is, you are allowed to leave when necessary.

You might need to work in shorter visits. Your care plan might have a grounding movement. Maybe you’re maybe you need a dance party in the kitchen before everyone comes over because you know that it’s gonna lift your spirits and ground you in some way in your body. Your care plan might include asking someone else to help with your children, taking a walk after the kids, go with your ex, having a comforting meal ready for yourself.

You, my favorite, one of my favorite comforting meals. Not gonna lie. Trader Joe’s frozen mac and cheese. It is the [00:17:00] best mac and cheese. It is the closest to the homemade I grew up on. It’s five minutes in the microwave and it is the fucking bomb, and it is my go-to comfort meal. What’s yours? You probably know by now, your care plan might be giving yourself permission to cry. Your care plan might be listening to this podcast again and again. Reading something uplifting or doing something that anchors you back into your body again, like a dance party, a quick yoga, sun salutation, something.

Because you matter. Your wellbeing matters. Your needs matter. This season should not be about your martyrdom. No kid likes their martyr mother. That is not what any child wants for the holidays. All right, and number seven, release the shoulds and replace them with needs. Anytime you think I should do this, I should [00:19:00] do that, I should.

I should. I should be able to handle this. I should be able. Stop. Ask yourself instead. What do I need right now? Need leads to connection Shoulds, lean to burnout. So give yourself permission to choose your needs. If you need something, give it to yourself. I don’t care what anyone else thinks of it or how anyone pushes back, I care that you’re actually leaning into yourself.

One of the most painful parts of post-divorce life is spending part of the holiday without your kids. It’s important for you to know that the grief that comes with this is. Normal. It is real. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not failing. You’re not. You are experiencing something that is profoundly human.

The loneliness of waking up on Christmas morning without [00:20:00] your children, it fucking sucks and it’s real. If you’re gonna be alone for any part of this, create some rituals around it. What are some rituals that feel comforting to you? What would make this day feel meaningful? What can you plan right now so that you’re not sitting in that rawness unprepared?

Who can you be with? Look, it’s the holidays. I always say this every year, it’s the holidays. If you were to call any number of people that love and care about you and say, I’m gonna be alone on Christmas morning, can I come over to your house while you and your kids open presents? There are few, very few.

Sociopaths in this world would be like, no, you can’t. Right? And those are not the people that you should be calling. Literally crash someone’s Christmas if you need to, because that’s what the holidays are about. Ask yourself what you can treat yourself to. I have a client who [00:21:00] was going to have Thanksgiving with her soon to be ex and their daughter, and.

His whole family and she booked herself a massage during the Thanksgiving dinner. She was like, I’ll be around for everything else. I’m not doing that. And she booked herself a massage at the spa, which boundaries are gonna protect you from falling into the pit of despair. Take care of yourself. So here’s something that.

Most women don’t realize in the moment, so often the first holiday season after separation or the last holiday season before one becomes a powerful turning point. Not because it’s magical, not because it’s perfect, because it is making things clearer. It’s gonna show you if you are contemplating divorce, if you’re going through divorce, if you’re like anywhere in this stage, there’s [00:22:00] something in your mindset that is already shifted to being much clearer and to seeing things.

And you’re gonna have sort of an objective lens on this holiday that you have maybe not had before. So you’re gonna see where the dysfunction really is. You’re gonna see what you. Can’t keep doing. You’re gonna see what matters most. You’re gonna see what actually brings you peace, and you’re gonna see how strong you really are.

There’s something awakening about the holiday season, something that brings truth to the surface. And if this year feels different, heavier, more revealing, it’s probably because you’re moving into a new chapter. That is not something to fear. I think it’s something to honor. That objective lens that you’re bringing to it means that you’re not just deep, so deep in it that you can’t see it anymore, and that’s [00:24:00] fucking cool.

I want you to remember this. The holidays do not have to be perfect. They don’t even have to be good. They just have to be gentle. Reducing stress is not failing. Scaling down is not failing. Feeling grief is not failing. Setting boundaries is not failing. Doing things just completely differently is not failing.

It’s healing. It’s choosing yourself maybe for the first time and possibly, and probably in the face of people who don’t actually want you to choose yourself. They’re gonna call you selfish. They’re not gonna understand. It doesn’t fucking matter. So wherever you are in your journey, I want you to be kind to yourself this season because you deserve tenderness, you deserve support, you deserve peace, and you my love, [00:25:00] deserve to be happy.

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DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.