When I work with clients who are married to someone struggling with addiction—especially when alcohol is part of an abusive or volatile dynamic—the path forward can feel impossibly tangled. They’re often caught between fear and guilt: fear of what will happen if they leave, and guilt for even considering it. One of the most common questions I hear is, “How do I get out safely without making things worse?”

The truth is, there’s no easy way to leave a relationship that’s been defined by chaos and control. But there are safer ways—and they almost always start with strategy, documentation, and grounding yourself in reality rather than fear.

When I work with clients like Maxine, I often begin by helping them step out of what I call the emotional fog—that space where confusion, self-doubt, and hope all swirl together. Abusive partners—especially those with substance issues—thrive on that fog. One day they’re contrite and affectionate, the next they’re defensive or cruel. Over time, this unpredictability trains your nervous system to live in a constant state of alert, making it hard to think clearly or plan effectively.

That’s why I encourage clients to focus on practical steps first. Keep a private log of your partner’s behaviors, particularly those that impact the children. Document what time they pick the kids up, how long they stay, whether they appear intoxicated, or if they follow through on commitments. Evidence matters—not because you want to win a custody battle, but because the legal system runs on documentation, not emotion.

Next, develop a legal and safety strategy that doesn’t escalate the situation unnecessarily. Many clients believe they need to “go big or go home”—to file aggressively or make dramatic moves to protect themselves. But often, a softer approach is safer and more effective. A sudden, hostile filing can trigger retaliation or create danger. Instead, consult with an attorney about ways to establish boundaries quietly—sometimes even before your partner knows your intentions.

Safety also means emotional safety. Addiction and abuse erode your sense of self and your ability to trust your own judgment. That’s why I often introduce clients to grounding exercises like my Inner Guide visualization. It’s a tool to reconnect with your intuition—the part of you that knows what’s true, even when fear clouds your thinking.

It’s common for women in these situations to feel paralyzed by guilt or the idea that they’re “giving up.” But staying in a volatile or unsafe marriage doesn’t serve anyone—not your children, and not your partner. Your children don’t need a perfect parent; they need a parent who’s calm, present, and emotionally safe.

Leaving an alcoholic or abusive partner isn’t a single decision—it’s a process of reclaiming your power one strategic, grounded step at a time. You don’t need to do it perfectly. You just need to do it safely.

If this is where you are right now…

You do not have to navigate this alone. My Divorce Resource Bundle walks you through the first practical and emotional steps of separation—what to document, how to prepare legally, and how to protect yourself and your kids.

And if you’re ready for deeper support, my Phoenix Rising group coaching collective offers live guidance, community, and trauma-informed strategy forwomen walking this same path.

👉 Explore the Divorce Resource Bundle
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