If you’re dating after divorce, here’s the reframe that will change everything: you are the chooser, not the one waiting to be chosen. Most of us were socialized to be “picked”—to smooth our edges, ignore our instincts, and give endless second chances. That conditioning doesn’t just waste your time; it puts you at risk.

Professor of rhetoric and creator of the Burned Haystack Dating Method, Jennie Young, names the problem clearly: women are sold advice that’s ineffective at best and dangerous at worst—“be cool,” “give everyone the benefit of the doubt,” “it’s a numbers game.” Her counter? “Burn the haystack”: eliminate 99% of profiles and messages quickly so the real needle (a genuinely safe, emotionally mature partner whose actions align with your values) can emerge. 

The “green flags” that are actually red

• Love bombing: Over-the-top adoration, rapid future-talk, pressure for exclusivity after a date or two. That’s not love; it’s control.
  
  
• Performative sensitivity: The guy who announces he’s feminist, “emotionally safe,” or trauma-informed. Real character is demonstrated in consistent behavior—how he treats his colleagues, his kids’ mom, the server—not in self-branding.
  
  
• The rescuer fantasy: “I’ll take care of everything; you won’t have to worry.” If it erodes your financial autonomy, it erodes your choice.
  
  

Your new dating operating system

1. Default to No. If something feels off, it is. You don’t owe anyone a justification for a pass.
   
   
2. Go slow on purpose. Safety lives in pacing. People can’t fake consistency.
   
   
3. Use writing to your advantage. Keep early communication on the app; notice patterns: boundary-testing, negging, sexual pressure, or disdain for women.
   
   
4. Audit your values. Know your non-negotiables (equity, accountability, emotional maturity). If a profile or message conflicts, block and move on.
   
   
5. Embrace being single as power, not purgatory. Choose someone who adds to your already-good life—never to rescue you from it.
   
   

Why comfort in solitude matters

One of the most radical shifts you can make when dating after divorce is learning how to be so comfortable alone that you are never choosing out of fear or scarcity. When you feel desperate for partnership, you’re more likely to overlook red flags, rationalize bad behavior, or settle for less than you deserve.

Being deeply grounded in your own life—whether that means enjoying friendships, pursuing passions, or simply being at peace in your own company—creates a solid foundation. From there, a partner becomes an addition, not a lifeline. You’re no longer auditioning for a spot in someone else’s story. You’re interviewing them to see if they deserve a place in yours.

As I often tell my clients: if it doesn’t enhance your life, it doesn’t belong. That’s not cold or unromantic—it’s clarity. A relationship chosen from power feels entirely different: lighter, freer, and rooted in mutual respect. That’s the energy that attracts aligned partners and filters out the rest.

Why this matters

So many women tell me, “Maybe my picker is broken.” It’s not. Your instincts are working; they’ve just been gaslit. Dating after divorce is not about being perfect; it’s about being clear, boundaried, and self-loyal. As Jennie reminds us, “Truly funny people don’t have to tell you they’re funny—and truly evolved men don’t have to announce they’re feminist.” You’ll see it.

Burn the haystack. Keep your standards high. Sit firmly in the seat of choice. That’s not only good dating strategy—it’s what keeps you safe.