When you’ve been in a toxic relationship — especially with a narcissistic partner — the damage often goes deeper than you realize. It’s not just about leaving the relationship; it’s about recovering from emotional abuse and learning how to find yourself again.

So many of my clients ask, “How did I lose myself so completely?” The truth is, the signs of a toxic relationship can be subtle at first. You might brush off the gaslighting, the constant criticism, or the way your needs always come second. But over time, the drip, drip, drip of emotional abuse erodes your sense of self-worth. You give up parts of yourself to “keep the peace” — until one day, you hardly recognize the person in the mirror.

As Dr. Kerry McAvoy shared on my podcast, people with narcissistic traits see you as a source of supply — something to stabilize their own insecurities. They don’t build you up; they drain you dry. It’s like pouring your love and energy into a colander — no matter how much you give, it’s never enough.

That’s why rediscovering self after divorce is such an important piece of healing. You cannot rebuild your life until you find the pieces of yourself you were asked to abandon. If you’ve been through a toxic marriage, this is your invitation to ask:

• What did I love before I started shrinking to fit their needs?
• What makes me feel alive?
• What dreams did I put on hold to manage someone else’s insecurities?

When you’re building confidence post-divorce, start small. Maybe it’s as simple as choosing the food you love, reconnecting with old hobbies, or spending time with friends who make you feel expansive, not small. This is the real work of empowerment for single mothers and any woman reclaiming her life after abuse: putting your voice, your needs, and your desires at the center again.

So many women ask me if they should try couples counseling to “fix” a toxic marriage. The hard truth is that signs of a toxic relationship — like gaslighting, manipulation, or emotional stonewalling — don’t magically go away in therapy. In fact, research shows that traditional couples counseling is often contraindicated in abusive relationships. Instead, focus your energy on building resilience post-divorce and learning how to trust yourself again.

Remember: it’s not your job to heal your partner’s wounds. It’s your job to heal your own. Surround yourself with support — whether that’s a trusted therapist, divorce coaching for women, or a community of survivors who get it.

Most importantly, know this: your light is still in there. It may feel dim now, but with time and care, you will shine brighter than ever. Recovering from emotional abuse is not just possible — it’s how you build the beautiful, free, self-directed life you deserve.