Is your emotional attachment to your ex-husband keeping you emotionally tethered to the relationship, even after deciding to pursue a divorce?

It’s not uncommon to find yourself still walking on eggshells to avoid conflict with your ex…

Allowing them to maintain control over the narrative with your children…

Deferring to their decisions, even when they don’t align with your values…

Relying on them for emotional support despite the separation…

Or continuing couples therapy with the hope they’ll finally understand your perspective.

If any of this resonates, know that you’re not alone.

Many of the women I work with experience this same pattern, and it makes perfect sense. You’ve spent years—or perhaps decades—developing a deeply intertwined relationship. Whether you’ve built a home, shared children, or fostered an emotional bond, the process of detangling from that connection is undeniably challenging.

However, one thing is clear: When you’ve made the decision to move on, it’s essential to fully disengage emotionally.

Letting go is not easy, but it is a necessary step toward achieving the emotional independence and well-being you deserve. The key to moving forward lies in consciously identifying and unbinding the unconscious patterns that keep you from feeling fully empowered in your own life. This process is critical for cultivating a life that reflects your needs and desires.

Why is emotional detachment after divorce so important?

When you remain emotionally enmeshed with your ex, it limits your ability to think autonomously and make decisions in alignment with your own values. Often, this dynamic persists without conscious awareness, perpetuating a cycle that requires intentional effort to break.

If you continue to allow your ex to influence your choices or perpetuate old patterns, it becomes increasingly difficult to create a life that aligns with your goals and aspirations.

I’ve seen this time and again.

While many people complete the physical and legal steps of divorce, they often overlook the need for emotional separation. Without addressing this, it’s difficult to create the space necessary for personal growth and self-discovery.

The only thing standing between you and a life of your own is the unresolved emotional ties and habitual interactions that remain intact. By addressing and disengaging from these patterns, you open the door to greater emotional freedom and autonomy.

Here’s a real-world example: One client found that, years after her divorce, her ex continued to control her decision-making under the guise of a “united front” for parenting.

While this initially seemed reasonable, it became apparent that what he really meant was, “You need to agree with my way.” This dynamic allowed him to maintain control over her, even post-divorce.

It took nearly a decade for my client to realize she didn’t need to operate within this framework. Once she began to prioritize her own needs and decisions, she recognized that she had the right to independently shape her parenting approach, free from her ex’s influence.

By establishing her own boundaries and trusting her judgment, she was able to regain peace of mind and autonomy.

You deserve this same freedom. Don’t wait years to achieve it.

Creating emotional autonomy post-divorce is essential, and it may lead to a life that looks quite different from what was expected of you during your marriage. But you do not need anyone’s permission to live your life on your own terms, including your ex’s.

Stepping into this new space might feel uncomfortable initially. You may even question whether you’re making the right decisions. However, those feelings often stem from the long-standing dynamics that kept you small for so long.

Moving forward with children involved: When you share children, emotional separation can feel even more complicated. How do you effectively co-parent while establishing healthy boundaries?

The answer lies in setting clear and consistent boundaries.

Now is not the time to focus on cultivating a friendship with your ex. Instead, prioritize taking the space you need to heal and rediscover who you are independently. Boundaries are the key to achieving this.

Here are some examples of effective co-parenting boundaries:

• Adjust communication patterns: In the immediate aftermath of a divorce, limit discussions strictly to co-parenting matters. Avoid rehashing past relationship issues or engaging in emotionally charged conversations.

• Establish a formal parenting plan: Create and adhere to a structured parenting schedule, reducing the likelihood of conflict or manipulation.

• Avoid competition: Competing with your ex is counterproductive. Focus on being present and consistent for your children rather than keeping score.

• Respect each other’s lives: You and your ex are on separate paths. Avoid entangling yourself in their personal affairs, and resist the urge to monitor their actions. This energy is better spent focusing on your next chapter.

When emotional separation feels overwhelming, remember the importance of building a new support system: If the thought of cutting emotional ties with your ex feels daunting, you are not alone. You may even feel isolated, thinking, “My ex was my only support.”

These feelings of powerlessness are common, but they indicate the need for self-exploration and growth. It’s critical to invest in building new relationships outside of your ex, and finding people who can offer encouragement and guidance.

If you’re unsure where to start in cultivating that support system, know that it’s okay. There are resources and communities available to help guide you through this transition.

One of the best is my online divorce collective for women, Phoenix Rising!