We are diving into one of the most challenging and emotional parts of divorce, money. Money is not just numbers on a spreadsheet; it is safety, freedom, self-worth, and often a whole lot of shame. Today I’m joined by Shari Rash, a nationally recognized financial advisor and money mindset expert. She hosts Everyone’s Talkin’ Money, named a Top 4 money podcast by The New York Times with more than 24 million downloads, and is known for turning complex financial topics into real-life conversations that help women claim their worth and build lasting wealth.

Shari does not give cookie-cutter “skip the latte” advice. She brings real talk with no bro speak and no shaming, helping you unpack old money stories, release shame, and step into financial confidence. She reminds you that it is on you now, and that that’s a good thing. Take that power, understand what you have, and work with it. This conversation will help you build clarity and confidence to manage your money before, during, and after divorce.

✨ If you’d like to watch the video version of this episode, you can find it here.

What you’ll hear about in this episode:

• How to shift your money mindset and simplify finances so decisions feel less overwhelming (2:58)
• Deep seated money beliefs that keep you stuck and how to challenge them so you feel capable and in control (6:12)
• The first steps to releasing money shame and rebuilding confidence (13:17)
• The subtle ways money shapes your daily choices and self worth after divorce (22:27)
• Common money myths and the truths women need to hear in this stage of life (23:16)

Learn more about Shari Rash: Shari Rash is a nationally recognized financial advisor, money mindset expert, and the host of Everyone’s Talkin’ Money—named a Top 4 money podcast by The New York Times, with over 24 million downloads.

Shari breaks down complex financial topics into real-life conversations that empower women to own their worth and build lasting wealth. She’s been named a 2024 Best Wealth Manager and Advisor Under 40 by InvestmentNews.

Resources & Links:

The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast Episodes are also available YouTube!
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
The Divorce Survival Guide Resource Bundle
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective
Kate on Instagram
Kate on Facebook
Kate’s Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch

Everyone’s Talkin’ Money Podcast
Shari on Instagram
Shari on TikTok
Shari on Facebook
Shari on YouTube

Show Transcript:

Kate Anthony: [00:00:00] Hey everyone. Welcome back. All right, so today we are diving into one of the most challenging and honestly most emotional parts of divorce money. Let’s be real. Money isn’t just about numbers on a spreadsheet. It’s about safety. It’s about freedom. It’s about self-worth, and sometimes a whole lot of shame.

So my guest today is Shari Rash, a nationally recognized financial advisor, money mindset expert, and the host of Everyone’s Talking Money, which. I am also on this week. Everyone’s Talk in Money was named a Top Four Money podcast by the New York Times with over 24 million downloads. Shari has also been named a 2024 best wealth manager and advisor under 40 by Investment News, and she’s known for breaking down complex financial topics into real life conversations that empower women to their own worth and [00:01:00] build lasting wealth. 

I’m really excited about this conversation. Shari, welcome. Thank you so much for being here. 

Shari Rash: Thank you for having me. I’m also very excited for us to speak. 

Kate Anthony: You talk a lot about minimalism and money mindset, obviously on your podcast and for what many women who are going through divorce money can feel super overwhelming.

Like every decision is high stakes and there’s, there, it feels like there’s never enough. How can shifting your mindset around things like enough or simplifying your financial life actually create more success and stability as women go through this transition? 

Shari Rash: First. Is it overwhelming because this is something you’ve never taken part in?

So not only are you getting divorced, you’re having a major life change, but now you’re also needing to deal with something that you’ve never dealt with before. That in itself is so overwhelming. It’s so [00:02:00] much where is the overwhelm coming from? And if you have never dealt with your money before, you have to start to date your money.

And even if you have dealt with your money before, you may not. Now you’re looking at it just as someone, as one person, not as two people, potentially two earners or two. Two people spending the money. It’s all now on you. So I think the first thing to really do is to start dating your money. You need to understand your money.

You need to understand what you have, how it’s invested, where it’s going. Does it align with your values, is more going out than coming in. Very basic stuff. And when I say date, I mean we’re dating, like we’re getting to know each other. We’re setting the scene like light a candle, pour a glass of wine, cup of coffee, depending on the time of day you’re doing this.

Pick a time that works [00:03:00] for you, be in your pajamas if that’s what works. It. Everything has to be comfortable because if you are not comfortable when it comes to your money, this is not, it’s not gonna work. It’s not, the exercise is not gonna be worth it. So in order and that just sets the foundation.

So by looking at your money, your bank accounts, your investments, all of that, just looking at it and getting an understanding, that helps to just. Set the foundation for success. 

Kate Anthony: I love that because it is, it can be so hard. Like we, we we get into this like tension and we’re like, oh God, okay, fine, I’ve gotta look at it, da.

But the idea of setting the stage for it to be intimate. And loving and kind perhaps is, yeah, I really, that’s special. One of the things that I see a lot obviously in my work with women leaving marriages right, is they’re being, they’re told. [00:04:00] We, we talk, we, you talk a lot about money mindset and money stories, right?

And one of the stories that women absorb often in relationships is that they’re bad with money. That they shouldn’t, oh, pretty lady, don’t have to don’t need to handle the finances. Those messages stick, right? Some of us, look, we come to it with our own money, stories from our childhood, from our history, all of that.

And then some of them are implanted in our relationships. What are some of the most common deep-seated money beliefs that hold women back? And how can someone start to uncover and challenge these limiting beliefs like in the context even of these dates? One of 

Shari Rash: the biggest beliefs that women will have is, I’m just not good at money.

I can’t do it. Or I’ll speak to women who are married and they’ll say my husband, he has a spreadsheet, and he’s so organized and he just takes care of all of it. And it’s like that you’re, that’s [00:05:00] great. Have you seen the spreadsheet? It, why can’t you see the spreadsheet? Why don’t you want to see the spreadsheet?

And there’s the 94% chance as a woman, you are gonna be at some point in your life, the sole, your sole financial decision maker, whether it’s through never getting married, divorce, widowhood, the odds are very high. You are gonna be solely responsible for your finances. So say that again. 94%. 94% chance.

Yep. 

Kate Anthony: Because we tend to outlive men by the way. So even if you stay married for the duration at a certain point, it’ll, it’s gonna land in your lap. 

Shari Rash: Exactly. Exactly. Would you rather it land in your lap when you know? Life is steady or would you rather it land in your lap when you’re in transition getting divorced?

Widowhood I, it, you know it, you’re already taking a stressful situation, [00:06:00] an emotional situation, and just like pouring gasoline on the fire, if now you’re solely responsible for your money as well. But we are, we’re taught, we’re told. We are not good with money. We’re spenders, we’re frivolous. We waste money.

You don’t know how to invest or and we believe it because it’s easy to believe it. Because, you’re right. I don’t know anything about money and okay, I am just gonna continue not knowing anything about money because it’s fine. That’s my job. I’m not supposed to, it’s not our fault in financial services.

About seven women represent about 16% of the population of those in personal finance. Right there, like we’re a minority in Fin in Finance. If you were to turn on the TV and turn on CNBC, which is the investing channel, the market channel, and you’re put on ESPN and put them right next to each other and unmute.

It would look [00:07:00] nearly same dude. Same. Same guy, same dude, right? Same suit. Real excited, yelling. Numbers flashing at the bottom, not knowing what those numbers are. It looks the same because it wasn’t designed for women, right? And of course it wasn’t designed for women because men are in finance. You think of bros in suits, men are in finance.

Designing channels and books and all this stuff for themselves, for men, and they’re not doing it purposefully to leave women out. Men and women just speak a different language when it comes to money. So men, when men talk about money, they talk about performance. They talk about numbers accumulating their portfolios, grow.

When women talk about money, they talk about what can money do for me? How can it help me achieve my goals? So when [00:08:00] I’m talking to clients and I’m speaking to a husband and wife and they’re sitting right next to each other or partners, and I’ll say, your kid, your 5 29 college savings account for that, and that’s used to pay for your child’s.

College education, it returned 7% this year. And what that means is if it continues on this route, you’ll have enough money to pay for five semesters at Clemson. And what that does is that appeals to both languages. It appeals to the male brain, he heard 7% continuing. I’m doing great. The wi the wife, the woman heard, oh, it’s gonna achieve our goal.

We wanna pay for college. That’s why we have this account. It’s gonna achieve our goal. But if I were to have only said, yep, return 7%, everything looks great. [00:09:00] The woman would’ve left the meeting feeling like empty. I’d have no idea. What if is 7% good, bad? I don’t know. So it’s not our fault that we don’t feel comfortable talking about money.

It’s because the people talking to us don’t speak our language. So we automatically feel like, do not enter. This is not a space for me. 

Kate Anthony: Yes. They’re not speaking our language and so much as you said, like so much of it is, and so this idea that we have limiting beliefs or whatever it’s put on us.

Shari Rash: It is. If you think about if you, most of us did not grow up talking about money, right? Or if we did, it was taboo. It wasn’t, it’s not ladylike to talk about money. It, so we heard those things as well. If someone were to talk about money, it was likely our fathers or the males in our life.

And again, if, and just think about a male speaking to a little girl. [00:10:00] Already there, there’s a difference, right? But if they’re not even speaking the same language on top of it, of course the father is gonna say oh, that you wanna spend your money on that. That’s silly, or that’s frivolous, or that, why?

Why do you need to do that? You should save it. And it’s that’s not appealing to a little kid to save it. And it’s you’re just spending your money. So it’s like all of these things and they seem like no big deal, but they all like pile up in our brains. And it’s just like com repetitive.

Like you don’t know what you’re doing with money. You’re no good at it. It’s not your job. Move on. Yeah. Focus on something else. 

Kate Anthony: Yes. Yes. For a lot of women, right? We, these message this messaging started young. We’re, now, we’re like looking at the finance bros now, the tech bros, right?

It’s it’s almost like a, it’s exponential, right? It just keeps. They’re like gremlins. They just keep populating. Bros are multiplying. The bros are multiplying. [00:11:00] Don’t feed them after midnight. For some, it’s not just like old messaging, right? It’s actual harm. Because we’ve got women who are being financially abused, many of whom are listening to this podcast.

For someone carrying that sort of. Inherited shame, right? This shame that’s coming from a partner who’s telling them whatever the messaging is they’re not allowed essentially, is the message. What is the very first step that you would encourage them to take to start rebuilding their own confidence with their relationship with money?

Just like one step. 

Shari Rash: I guess it would start with one. Is your partner willing to share any information with you about money? Ideally Hey, and I and I say this with caution ’cause it’s like you don’t wanna throw up like red flags. Oh, why is she asking me about the money?

But Right. So entering the conversation about money or, Hey, I. I [00:12:00] was talking with Sue at, and she was telling me about these accounts that they set up for the kids. Do we have one of those? Can we get one of those? Have you heard of them before? So approaching it that way of I’m, my friends mentioned it.

I have no idea, everything. Tell me about it. And then they can educate. And I would also say. And it’s because it’s important to understand what you have, if you have access to it. Obviously looking at it, understanding it, talking with someone that’s a trusted resource. I think too.

Start a relationship with money, you need to find someone with a similar voice as you. If you have a friend that seems to have it together ish with money or talking to them about it Hey, can you explain this to me? And just starting there. So just finding someone that like can speak your [00:13:00] language but you feel comfortable with.

If you listening to. Podcasts can help. Don’t read a book if you like reading books, fine, but I can’t even get through finance books and that’s my life. So I don’t think reading books are the answer. They’re just really hard to read. But if you like listening to stuff, we’re taking a class just finding a way that works with.

How, however you are comfortable to start introducing you to the topic and then again, how, what, and then working your way into understanding what your household has. 

Kate Anthony: I love this idea of figuring out, first of all, figure out how you like to learn, right? Because again. You’ve got the tech bros speaking, or the finance bros speaking finance language and like this coded right.

That makes you feel, that makes me feel stupid. And then you’re gonna pick up a book that’s gonna, you’re gonna keep falling asleep because you don’t understand it. Right? And look, if reading is your thing, if you love books, have at it, but [00:14:00] also maybe find one that’s written by a woman.

Find now we have this like actual wealth of information that is for women out there fi in, in terms of finances. And definitely Shari’s podcast is, one of the top hit that because if you’re watching and or listening to this podcast, you may be like podcasts. That’s a great way to do it.

But I like that idea that. Taking baby steps to almost nurture yourself into the process and finding other people who can explain things to you. I’ve learned so much from friends who do things that terrify me or I don’t understand, and they do it like, like it’s no big deal to them. And I’m like how do you do that?

And I’ve actually learned a ton about that. My, my fiance who is. The most organized human being I have ever met in my life with chores, tasks, time, physical [00:15:00] space. And I’ve just, I’ve learned because I am a chaotic mess all the time, I feel like, and I’m learning how to not be by just wait, how do you do that?

Oh, you put it there. Oh, that’s interesting. Like other people are your best friend.

Obviously we’re talking about the fact that like money isn’t just about the dollars in our bank account, right? It affects every part of our lives. And for women in the middle of, or just, after divorce and they’re like, reeling from it all. What are some of the ways. That money that you see, that money influences their lives, that they may not even be realizing 

Shari Rash: when you’re getting to know your money or if you wanna become more familiar with it.

Also, don’t put the pressure on yourself that you have to know everything about it. For some reason, when it comes to money, one, we don’t talk [00:16:00] about it and for some reason we think talking about money is. Saying how much I make, how much is in my bank account, everything personal about me. And that’s not true.

I talk about money all day, every day. No one knows how much money I make and have, and all of that. Don’t worry about I, I am uncomfortable talking about money. ’cause they’re gonna find out, get a peek behind the curtain. They’re not if just keep it surface. But also becoming more familiar with money doesn’t mean you need to become an expert and turn on the bros on TV and watch.

CNBC every day. That’s not happening. So let’s set expectations as well. Gross. You don’t have to do that. So ju So I always like to set that expectation because it’s really important. We put way too much pressure on ourselves so money can influence our lives without us realizing it.

One of do we like money? Do you like it or do you, if opening up your banking app. Like your stomach hurts. That’s terrible. That is horrible. [00:17:00] And we deal with money every single day, multiple times a day. If you don’t have a neutral relationship, I’m not even saying loving it. Neutral. If you’re anything less than neutral, how terrible you’re dealing with something multiple times a day that you don’t like.

And just imagine like how much that messes with your head. So my goal is not even to get you to love money, it’s to just look at it neutral as a tool. Yes, it’s a tool to accomplish things. Growing up, if you heard, we don’t have money or we’re poor, you heard your parents fighting about money, or if you were never given the ability to make your own decisions with money, like with your birthday money, tooth fairy money as a child.

That has effects on you that you don’t realize. So I would say, and we and when it comes to money, we just live in our own little vacuum and we let our thoughts swirl and we don’t even realize, like we’re messed up when it comes to money. We just think it’s normal. Totally. ’cause that’s the way we [00:18:00] heard growing up.

If I say right now, what’s your first money memory? You’re gonna think of something and you’re gonna think of an experience and that. A lot of times tells us what kind of relationship you have with money. I’m gonna tell you, I’m gonna confess the first one, which is relevant to my audience.

Kate Anthony: My, one of my very first memory money memories was my mother making me ask my father for child support and like the little note that she would put in my suitcase. Telling him that I needed shoes or whatever. I had this little like white little suitcase that I used when I went to his house. Yeah.

Like how fucked up is that? Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t want anything to do with money. I didn’t wanna know. La la, right? No wonder I got myself into all sorts of financial entanglements later in my life, right? Because I don’t wanna know anything about it. [00:19:00] La la la. 

Shari Rash: Yeah. That, that’s so much, ’cause it’s did she write the note?

Because anytime she asked that it was a fight and an argument. Screaming fight. Yeah. Screaming fights and arguments. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah. And then like even it could even tell you as the little girl I’m not worth, it’s, I’m not worth the fight and the argument, or I’m not worth spending money on. And there’s so much it, so much there.

Kate Anthony: Yeah. No wonder I have there’s like a weight around money for me, or there had been most of my life, right? Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, let’s let’s dig into some misconceptions, right? A lot of us hold misconceptions, whether it’s like budgeting means deprivation, or investing is too complicated, the stuff that we’ve already talked about, right?

What is the biggest misconception that you see? In this stage of life, women in their thirties, their forties, and what’s the truth that women need to hear instead? 

Shari Rash: You brought up the B word. I know you have [00:20:00] the D word. You brought up my B word. So let’s talk about that. Budgeting. You don’t have to budget and I think that’s a misconception or budgeting works for everyone and you are the problem.

You’re the only one it doesn’t work for and you’re the problem that’s incorrect. Budgeting doesn’t work for about 70% of people. So if you’ve set a budget and it doesn’t work, you are not alone. 

Kate Anthony: Yes. Fuck the budget 

Shari Rash: that, so one, that, that’s a misconception right there that you have to have a budget.

So I don’t like the B word because it teaches us that. If I were to say what are your expenses? What do you spend money on? If you were to make a budget, what would it be? And you talk about your housing, your utilities. You throw out a number for groceries that probably isn’t accurate. Your car payment, like you’d name like all this necessary stuff.

And that’s probably it. You might say, oh, we go out to dinner once a week. You might say [00:21:00] that is probably 50% of your, where your money goes. But we don’t know where the other 50% goes. So instead of these line item budgets of, I can only spend X amount of for gas for my car this month, and it’s like.

So if you go above that, you can’t drive anymore. You can’t go to work. Can’t, you can’t take your kids to practice. That’s silly like that. That doesn’t, so no wonder it doesn’t work. ’cause you’re like, all right, screw it. I have to take my kids to practice. I’m gonna blow my budget on gas.

But you also don’t have control, yeah. What if they had a tournament two and a half hours away? What if gas prices went up? You also don’t have control over some of this stuff. That’s why, some of the reasons why budgeting doesn’t work, it’s just not realistic. It doesn’t adapt to life.

But that doesn’t mean we’re going hog wild. What you, we need instead are guardrails. So for someone that’s in their thirties and forties and it’s I’m making money, thing, things are going well, but I don’t feel like I have [00:22:00] control over my money. It is because you are letting your money control you.

You need to have a plan for your money. And so when money comes in, we’re gonna look at it and go, first. We need to understand where it’s going right now and does it align with your values? So where is your money going? And that’s a great exercise for your money date. If one of your values is traveling and you spend most of your money on a target and you don’t travel at all.

Your values are misal. E. E, either your values are off. 

Kate Anthony: Why? Why are you attacking me? Why?

Shari Rash: That just means we need to get you spending money on traveling if that’s what’s most important to you by spending where you and so I’m not saying don’t spend where it matters to you. So instead of making the target [00:23:00] run or going to home goods or doing all of that stuff, would I rather go on a trip?

In two weeks, would I rather have a long weekend, stay in a hotel overnight? So getting your spending to match what’s valuable to you is so important. And right there, you’re gonna start to have more control over your money, but you need to pay yourself first. You need to pay your future self first.

So whenever money comes in, you need to save some right away. And that could be 5%, 10% of whatever is coming in. Save some of it because right there. You’re already exercising control because you can only spend what’s left over. 

Kate Anthony: Versus 

Shari Rash: money comes in, we spend it and then we try to save what’s left over.

Kate Anthony: Exactly. And that you do set up the system where you really. Depending on obviously how much you’re saving, you tend to forget that money, if it’s, if you set it up automatically and you have that automatic withdrawal, you just forget that money exists. Every once in a while I’ll go and look at my like, oh yeah, how much do I have in that?

[00:24:00] Like my orange savings, and I’m like, oh. Holy shit. How’d that get there? Yeah, exactly. I love that. I love that. Shari, one of the things that’s great about you and your work, and obviously everyone is getting a taste of this right now, is that you don’t do the cookie cutter stuff. You’re not like telling people to not go buy a latte.

You go deeper. I am and everyone who listens to this podcast knows I like the deep stuff. And why, so why do you think it’s important to have this real talk about money, not the bro talk, not the, especially for women. Why is it important that we demystify this and like actually talk about it?

In the real way, the no BS way that you do, 

Shari Rash: because I can relate, right? The traditional budgeting advice, or if you were to, Google what, how, what should I spend my money on or not spend it, it’s stop buying the latte. That might be the best part of your day. You [00:25:00] go familiar faces, you speak with the barista, Hey, they know your order.

You smile, you laugh, and then you walk out and you’re happy. And that could be the best part of your day. Yeah. So by the bro telling you to stop spent buying the $5 latte, like they’re literally taking away your joy. So 

Kate Anthony: no 

Shari Rash: wonder why it doesn’t work. 

Kate Anthony: Yeah. 

Shari Rash: We could cut it out for a little bit, but then we’re sad.

There’s a part of our life that’s missing. Yeah. 

So that’s where we need to have the real talk of and sometimes it does take some reflection. Like someone may not recognize right away, Hey, that’s the best part of my day, but like, why do you buy your lattes every day? I go in, oh, I really like this.

It’s not just about the coffee. And it’s, so that’s why it’s important to have the real talk because money is emotional. It, we can, I can say all day long, it’s a tool. It’s neutral, but we’re slapping all these emotions onto it. So we need to recognize those emotions and the only way we can. [00:26:00] Recognize ’em is by having the real talk and talking, talk to your friends about money.

Say there’s loud budgeting is the new trend right now. I’m not doing X, y, Z because I’m saving to buy a house. Like putting your goals out there. Whenever you just bring up a little bit about money. You’re automatically, it’s gonna be intimate. You’re gonna feel closer with the other person when you’re finished.

’cause you’re sharing something you don’t share with a lot of people. 

Kate Anthony: Yes. I love that there is something intimate. I love this like loud budgeting, right? Like I love it. Like we’re talking about it. It’s like the trend, not the trend, but the necessity. A few years ago we were like, no, actually let’s talk about our salaries because then we learn.

How much less the women in the office are making than the men, right? When we put a lid on it and we’re not allowed to talk about it, then it gets to continue on unexamined and quietly and we die in the shadows like that. Yeah, [00:27:00] I love that. Loud budgeting. That’s great. All right, so Shari, just some takeaways, right?

For women who are listening who are, either in the thick of divorce they’re starting to rebuild or considering it, what are some of the first practical steps that they can take to make themselves feel a little bit more confident? And we’ve talked about a lot of them, but. Let’s wrap it up in a bow for them.

Shari Rash: Go on a money date with yourself, I think is the first step. And some of it may be like, I don’t even know where it is, what I have, if you’re going through a divorce, get a a divorce financial analyst to help you. Absolutely. You get a lawyer, you get resources. But they cannot help you with your money.

You need a financial analyst to help you. That is super important. And they can then also educate you on what you have throughout the process. So that’s super important. If you’re going through the divorce right now, if you’re considering a [00:28:00] divorce, get a financial analyst, get a C-D-F-A, find a C-D-F-A, talk to them before you’re even.

If you’re thinking about getting divorced. Because again, they’re gonna help you understand everything you have, and you can approach money without the emotions and just look at it for what it is. If you’re through your divorce, you need to understand what you have, and that’s where the money date is super important and set that.

If you wanna have a friend do it with you. Do find a friend, do whatever you need to do to make it comfortable. Because it’s on you now. And I’m not saying that in a bad way. That’s a great, that’s great. It’s on you now. So take that power and recognize it. And now you only have to answer to yourself, but you need to know what you have and what you’re working with.

Kate Anthony: I love that. Thank you so much, Shari. So listen guys, 24 million listeners trust Shari’s advice. So you should too. Be sure to check out her podcast. Everyone’s Talking [00:29:00] Money. We have an episode over on her podcast. Should be out around the same time. So if you wanna hear Shari interviewing me and then me interviewing Shari.

It’s a love fest, so head on over to Everyone’s Talking Money on all of the platforms and a leak, everything in the show notes. Of course, Shari, anywhere else that you want people to go, to find you, to follow you and all of that. 

Shari Rash: Everyone’s Talking Money on Instagram as well. That’s where I post a lot of stuff as well.

But yeah, just check out the podcast. 

Kate Anthony: Amazing. Yep. Check it out guys. So until next time, remember, you don’t have to do this alone. You’ve got this and I’ve got you.

===================

DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

===================