When you’re leaving a controlling or toxic relationship, money is more than dollars and cents — it’s your safety, your security, and your escape hatch.

For many women I work with, money has been used as a weapon: hidden accounts, financial gaslighting, or threats that you’ll “have nothing” if you leave. So when you start to untangle your life, you may feel afraid, overwhelmed, or even guilty for wanting to protect what’s yours.

Let me say this clearly: Your financial boundary isn’t selfish. It’s survival. And it’s your path to freedom.

This looks different for everyone.

👉 If you’ve been the breadwinner — maybe you’ve built a business from scratch or carried the entire household while your partner barely contributed — you deserve to protect what you’ve built. Too often, women in this position feel guilt-tripped into funding their ex’s lifestyle indefinitely, even when he refuses to work.

You can’t control whether he’ll drag his feet or play victim — but you can protect your assets and future.

Your playbook:

• Set a clear date of separation — it may decide what’s shared and what’s yours alone.
• Open your own accounts if you haven’t already — safely.
• Keep detailed records of your income, expenses, and anything your spouse does (or doesn’t do) financially.
• Talk with your attorney about limiting your exposure to spousal support or ensuring it’s fair — not a reward for refusing to contribute.
  
  

👉 If you’ve been a stay-at-home mom, your contributions may not show up in a paycheck — but they are very real. You made your partner’s career possible by holding the family together, running the household, and often absorbing the emotional fallout of a high-conflict relationship.

It’s normal to feel guilty asking for what you need — especially if you’ve been made to believe that you didn’t “earn” that money. But here’s the truth: you did. And courts recognize this.

Now, let’s be real: it’s been well researched and documented that the majority of stay-at-home dads do not contribute to domestic labor the way stay-at-home moms do. Instead, many spend hours playing video games or disengaging rather than doing the real, exhausting invisible labor that women do every day.

This means that legally, they may try to claim the same entitlements you would have — but the facts may tell a different story. I always encourage my clients to document everything:

• How much actual household work did he do?
• Who did the childcare, meal planning, cleaning, school activities?
• Did he maintain consistent employment or make genuine efforts to?

Sometimes you can work with your attorney to make sure your financial settlement truly reflects what really happened — not just what he claims.

Your playbook:

• Gather evidence of your role: calendars, texts, notes about who did what.
• Work with your lawyer and a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to calculate what’s fair.
• Remember: asking for support isn’t selfish — it’s what gives you time and space to rebuild.

For every woman, money is a boundary. It says: “I’m done being drained. I’m protecting my future — and my children’s too.”

Your nervous system may want to people-please your way through divorce — but your bank account shouldn’t have to.

Be clear on your numbers. Get your team in place. Keep a running list of questions for your attorney to save money and avoid scattered calls. And most of all: remind yourself every day — it is not selfish to want your freedom. It’s smart. It’s protective. It’s necessary.

💛 If you want step-by-step guidance, clear scripts, and a community that understands both the financial and emotional side of this, my program Phoenix Rising is here to help you protect your money and your peace.
Learn more here — you don’t have to do this alone.