This is an enormous issue I see over and over again in my practice: 

Women finally get the strength to pull the trigger and file for divorce…and then they’re stuck in the house with their abusers for the foreseeable future. 

More often than not, these women, many of whom also work full-time, are the primary caretakers of children who reside in the family home, so they naturally want to stay in the home to keep the children’s lives stable. 

Again, more often than not, the spouses they’re leaving (usually men) have only vaguely participated in their children’s lives up until this time. Yet now it’s vitally important that they stay in the family home and bond with their children (children who very often want little to do with said parent due to years of neglect or abuse). 

So if you need to stay (at least until everything is finalized) in order to give your children a stable home life during the upheaval of divorce, and your stbx (soon-to-be-ex) refuses to leave, what do you do???

First let me say this: there are no easy answers here and sometimes there really is no good answer either. If the home is marital property it is therefore jointly owned; as such, your spouse has a legal right to inhabit it just as much as you do, so you can’t just force them out. 

Let’s be clear: refusing to leave the marital home is a power and control move. An abusive spouse who has lost power and control when you tell them you no longer want to be married to them will use everything at their disposal to continue to find ways to dominate you. Not leaving the marital home is a great (read: shitty) way to do this.

What would a “normal” person do?

A collaborative, non-abusive spouse will put the children first, see that it’s best for the kids to have some consistency, and make alternative living arrangements. They may rent a room from a friend down the street so they can be nearby and on-hand for pickups, drop-offs, and an agreed-upon co-parenting schedule. They may agree to a temporary nesting arrangement. Or they may even rent a new home, agreeing that keeping the kids with their primary caretaker in their primary residence is best for all.

An abusive spouse will dig in their heels, refuse to move, and spread toxicity throughout the home. They’ll up their gaslighting tactics, and they may even hack into your computer and rifle through your belongings looking for “evidence” to use against you in court while you’re out. They’ll act like parent-of-the-year, and infringe upon your personal, emotional, and psychic space.

They’ll be uncooperative throughout the process, drawing it out as long as possible. They won’t file their financial disclosures in a timely manner, often citing fabricated roadblocks like unfiled taxes or waiting for the financial advisor to send documents. They might agree to go to mediation, but they won’t follow through on anything decided in the process.

If this sounds familiar it’s not because I have a crystal ball, it’s because they’re all the same. I have the benefit of having seen this play out hundreds, if not thousands, of times with clients and members of my groups. I have the benefit of years of experience with this, while this is likely your first time up at bat.

So, what’s the solution?

Even though someone with this personality is truly only interested in domination, you might be able to craft a strategic conversation with them in which you use their need to control to your advantage. This will be difficult because you’ve likely been trained for decades to fear his moods and retaliation, but you’ve gotten to this point in your growth, so you can do this too. I promise. You should come to this conversation fully prepared with a proposal.

The main thing is to make sure that your spouse knows that whatever you’re asking for is temporary. You’re not telling them they have to move out forever; you’re just asking for space so that you can both move through this process with more level heads.

Be strategic

Figure out what matters most to your spouse. If their main concern is looking like dad of the year and moving out of the house may make them look like less of an involved dad, offer up a temporary parenting plan that would have them very involved should they move out. If being seen as a good dad matters most, make sure anything you offer is visible (e.g. taking them to soccer practice or swim meets). 

You might offer that they come to the house to have time with the kids two or three nights a week, while you go out with friends or to the library, or to the spa. (Remember that any parenting time they have should include taking kids to activities, cooking dinner, and doing homework. This isn’t Disney time; it’s parenting time.)

If money is most important, offer a plan that will cost them as little as possible, or craft a conversation about how this will save money in the long-run. You may want to remind them that you’re making the biggest legal and financial decisions of your lives and that making those decisions while you’re both emotionally heightened from living together will end up costing you both more.  

However you craft this conversation, the more you speak to their specific concerns, the more successful you’ll be.

What if that doesn’t work?

Short of some conversation that magically makes them see the light, the only other recourse you have is legal—but only if you have evidence that you or your children are in imminent physical or emotional danger. 

This is why documentation of abuse is so important. If you can prove that there is a threat to your or your children’s safety with documented evidence of threats, coercion, or violence, you might be able to request a motion to exclude (this may be called something different where you live), which is essentially asking the court to remove your abuser from the home while you go through your divorce. In some states this can be done ex parte which means that the other party doesn’t need to be notified of the hearing, and it’s usually done as an emergency hearing. In other states, you may have to wait a few weeks for a hearing, before which your spouse will be notified of the upcoming hearing, and you’ll have to live together in the interim (awkward at best; often dangerous).

(If you do this, be sure to also ask for orders for temporary support and custody, otherwise once they’re removed you may not be able to pay your bills or know when or how your spouse is supposed to see their children—especially since they’ll no longer be able to come to the marital home. You may think this would be a logical thing to be included at such a hearing. Unfortunately, it’s not.)

If you can’t prove a pattern of abuse that rises to the level of seeking a motion to exclude (and many victims can’t because coercive control is so hard to prove), you may have to be the one to move out temporarily. Many attorneys will tell you not to do this, and you should always listen to your attorney’s advice. However, you should also have a conversation with your attorney about the level of escalating abuse in the home and ask what other options might be available to you should you be emotionally and psychologically unable to continue living under the same roof. Many attorneys are just going off of commonly used law but might be able to help you further if you advocate strongly for yourself and your kids.

What about “abandonment”?

Many people are scared of “abandoning” their home, but leaving your home doesn’t mean you’re giving up rights to it. It can be harder to repossess a home you’ve left, but the home is marital property and will still be part of your division of assets during the divorce. The main issue with abandonment is your children. If you leave the house and your kids, your spouse can accuse you of abandoning your children, which might impact your custody negotiations down the line.

My clients with older children who are aware of the dynamics might opt to move with their moms to a new space during the divorce, especially if everyone is willing to walk away from the family home for some peace of mind. Clients with younger children are in a more tenuous position because they can’t just take their kids and leave without a court order allowing them to do so.

As I said, there are no easy answers to this and no formula for how to get someone to agree to move out of a home. That being said, it’s incredibly important to understand the dynamics at play so you can use a more level head to plan how you can best protect yourself and your children.