I’m back with a new solo episode this week, and I’m talking about something that is incredibly common, deeply complicated, and almost never talked about honestly: Living together while separated. Same house. Same kitchen. Same hallways. Maybe even the same bedroom — though if you can create different sleeping arrangements, please do.

For most people, deciding the relationship is over does not mean you can immediately leave the house. Housing, finances, kids, legal strategy, logistics, or a spouse who refuses to go can all make physical separation impossible, at least for a while.

This is the practical reality for so many people.

And when you’re in it, you need more than emotional endurance. You need structure. You need boundaries. You need a way to move through the day without letting the entire situation swallow you whole.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through how to survive this period with more clarity and intention. We’ll talk about communication, emotional containment, household logistics, safety considerations, and how to begin treating this time as an actual transition — with movement, strategy, and support.

And if you are leaving an unsafe marriage, I’ll also talk through some important safety planning considerations, because living together while separating can require a very different level of strategy.

What you’ll hear about in this episode:

• Where people often get stuck when they keep acting like nothing has changed, even though everything has
• Why living together while separated is not appropriate in every situation, and what to consider if safety is a concern
• How to help your children begin adjusting to the new rhythm of divorced co-parenting before anyone moves out
• How to divide roles and responsibilities so the invisible infrastructure of the marriage becomes visible
• How to use this time strategically, including meeting with your attorney, documenting, understanding your finances, and opening your own accounts
• Why you need to talk to your kids about what’s happening, and what you can actually say

✨ If you’d like to watch the video version of this episode, you can find it here.

Resources & Links:

Registration is now open for the Unbreakable Retreat!
Kate Anthony’s Complete Parenting Plan
Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate
The Divorce Survival Guide Resource Bundle
Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective
Kate on Instagram
Kate on Facebook
Kate’s Substack Newsletter: Divorce Coaching Dispatch
The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast Episodes are also available YouTube!
Seven Step Mindset Reset for Divorce 

Show Transcript:

[00:00:00] Everyone, welcome back. I’m so glad you are here. I am back from my wedding and my honeymoon, which were amazing. Truly amazing and life-changing. And I just wanna tell you a little bit about it just because, my favorite part about our wedding was that it was such a full and joyous expression of who we are.

It was vibrant and colorful, and it was goofy and silly and funny, and it was serious and loving and all of those things, but we really made it our own. All of the… Everything from our officiant, who was one of our dear friends, to our first dance. You guys, we did Dirty Dancing. It was the best, funniest thing.

W- we’re supposed to do the, the lift. He ran and got a chair, and I stood up on the chair. It was awesome. It was totally choreographed. We [00:01:00] had the best time, and it was, again, like I said, just such a full and wonderful, vibrant expression of who we are as individuals and as a couple.

And I hope for all of you that you will find somebody to live your life with that brings out all of those facets of yourself, the fun, the joy, the play, and that you can get in that sandbox of play with and have that be the expression of your life. That’s what I want for everybody. I just… Even my ex-husband, who was at our wedding, I’m just gonna tell you.

My ex-husband was like, “This is the best wedding I’ve ever been to, hands down, including my two weddings.” And And there were t- at least two couples there who have been together really long-term and were not really thinking about getting married who were like, “I think we might get married now.” We inspired joy and love and connection and togetherness, and it was [00:02:00] really fucking great.

And that’s what we wanted, right? We just wanna spread love. That’s my underlying goal for everything in my life, right? Is just spreading love and I want people to be happy. I was really excited that we were able to pull that off in our wedding. So anyway, the other thing I wanna tell you before we get into today’s episode is that registration is open now for my next retreat, The Unbreakable Retreat.

It’s a very intimate retreat for women moving through divorce. It is gonna be happening September 10th through 13th in Sedona, Arizona. We’re going to the, back to the same place that we have been for the last three years, and it is truly amazing. It is the best. It’s about more than getting away, right?

It’s about being deeply cared for, held in sisterhood, and given space to reconnect with yourself after so much surviving. We will be at the Ancient Springs Retreat Center in Sedona, which is a fully private, secluded retreat [00:03:00] center. There are no outside guests there at all. It’s just us and the couple who runs the retreat center, and your private chefs, Chell and Roxy, who accommodate all your dietary needs and preferences, and literally care for you in the most beautiful way that is actually just that, the food, has brought women to tears being there and being cared for.

It is the kind of nervous system exhale that can feel almost impossible to access in the middle of your divorce, and you need that. You need it very badly. So if your home life has felt chaotic or unsafe or emotionally exhausting, this is an opportunity to experience what it feels like to be nurtured and supported and surrounded by women who get it.

So registration is open now. You can learn more at kateanthony.com/unbreakable. I will say that one of the [00:04:00] things, one of the best testaments, testimonies about this retreat is the number of women who are coming back, who have done it before and are doing it again. So we already have a handful of women who have already signed up, and some of them are ones who have been there before and wanna go back.

If that doesn’t tell you how awesome it is I don’t know what will. But go check it out, kateanthony.com/unbreakable. Register soon. We do have a very limited number of spots, ’cause it is, as I said, a small, intimate- Setting, and we need to keep it that way for a variety of reasons. All right, so today, shifting into today’s episode, we are talking about something that is so common, so emotionally complicated, and I, I have a blog post on it, but I realized I don’t think I’ve ever done a podcast on it, so here we are.

Living together while separated. Holy fuck, right? There’s so much to it, and really living together. Same house, same kitchen, same hallways, laundry room, [00:05:00] kids, right? Maybe even the same bedroom. I really hope not. I really hope that you can find another place to live to, to sleep. But sometimes, yeah, you have to end up sharing the bedroom.

Maybe you’re gonna put pillows down the center of the bed so that you just feel like you have some space. Look, at this point, you’ve decided that the marriage is over, or one of you has decided it’s over and the other one’s still catching up. Maybe you’ve said the words out loud. Maybe you’ve filed.

Maybe you haven’t. Maybe you’re still in that horrible space where everyone knows what’s happening, but nothing has really changed yet. And for so many people right now, the reality is that you just… you can’t just move out tomorrow, right? We are in a massive housing crisis in the United States.

Housing prices are absolutely through the roof. Maybe you can’t afford to. Maybe you have kids and you’re trying not to blow up their entire world overnight, right? It takes a long time to get some ducks in a row to make the, anyone moving out possible. [00:07:00] Again, as I said, the housing market is a nightmare.

Maybe your attorney has told you not to leave the house and, without a temporary agreement in place. Maybe you’re financially dependent. Maybe your spouse just won’t fucking leave. And maybe you’re just trying to maintain some stability while you figure out all the logistics, custody, money, parenting schedules, legal strategy, and whatever the hell else you know, there is to figure out.

I want to say this upfront. Living together while separated, it’s not a failure. It’s not the wrong thing to do, right? It means that you are… that this is a practical reality. This is a practical reality of a very complicated situation. It is how most people have to do it, and I don’t think people say that enough.

I don’t think people really talk about, especially with kids, the reality that like, yeah, this is what we have to do. Most people do this. People are always like, “How do people do this? Is this a thing?” And I’m like, “Y- yes, it is beyond a thing.” It’s… Most of the time, it’s a it has to be a thing.[00:08:00] 

And it can’t be treated like nothing has changed, right? You can’t just continue on, right? As if nothing has actually changed, right? And that’s where a lot of people get into trouble. One of the more sta- destabilizing things about living together while separated is that the outside structure of the family may look the same, but the emotional reality underneath it is completely different.

You’re in the same house, but you’re not in the same marriage. Something has fundamentally shifted. You are parenting together, but you are not operating as partners, or you may not be. I would like for you to be, but it may n- be the reality that you’re not. So if you don’t acknowledge all of these changes, and if you just keep moving through it like, all the old rules apply and, nothing’s really changed, it can become hellish.

So I wanna talk today about, like, how to survive living together while separated and also the strategies that need to be employed right now. Most people that I work with are not separating under spa retreat conditions, [00:08:00] right? They’re separating under conditions that are very v- volatile and sometimes scary.

So I wanna talk about the things that really matter here, like safety, structure, children, money, boundaries, space, and how to take back control of your life while you are still physically sharing a home with someone you’re trying to emotionally, legally, and practically separate from. So before I go any further, I wanna say this too.

If there is abuse happening in the home, if you are unsafe, if your children are unsafe, if there is physical violence, the threats, coercive control, stalking, intimidation, sexual coercion, weapons in the house, substance abuse that creates a danger, escalating rage, right? Anything that’s escalating. Any situation where leaving or setting boundaries could put you at risk, this episode is not…

It’s not a substitute for safety planning, right? So safety planning has to happen if you are in any danger. Living together while separated is not appropriate in every [00:10:00] situation, and that can be very complicated because many women in abusive relationships are forced to stay under the same roof for a period of time because of finances, legal advice, housing, custody, all of the things, right?

I am not saying, of course, in that situation, just leave, because that can also be more dangerous. If safety is a concern, your first step is not creating the perfect co-parenting schedule. Your first step is safety planning with a domestic violence advocate with an attorney who understands coercive control, and people who can help you think strategically about what is safest for you and your children.

If you do need to make a safety plan, I want you to take that very seriously. I’m actually gonna do another episode on what a safety plan actually is because we talk about it a lot, you need a safety plan. What the fuck does that mean? Can I just take my kids in the middle of the night if I’m scared?

Is that kidnapping? There’s all of these other con- other things that I’m gonna talk about in another episode, I promise, because they’re also very confusing [00:11:00] and destabilizing. But for now, if you’ve been in an abusive or coercively controlled relationship, it can be hard to know the difference between this is really emotionally uncomfortable, and this is dangerous.

So if your body is screaming, “This is not safe,” I would need you to listen to it. One of the things that I think is really wonderful about how things have shifted in the last, I would say, five even f- three to five years, is that women now know that they’re in danger more so than they used to.

We now have this entire body of, true crime evidence that teaches, that has been teaching women what it looks like t- when they’re unsafe. And so if you feel that you’re not safe because you know something about the way that your ex functions and you understand the cycle [00:13:00] of violence in this way, listen to that, please.

So for those of you who are in a situation where living together is uncomfortable, painful, tense, awkward, maybe even super shitty, but not immediately unsafe. So there are ways to make this period more structured, more strategic, less emotionally destructive, and also a really amazing learning exercise for both of you.

The first thing that I want you to know is that living together while separated needs to be a transitional arrangement. It needs to be defined. It needs to be designed. This is not an undefined, loosey-goosey, emotional or logistical swamp. It should be something that is clearly designed and outlined. I think there’s a distinction between we’re still living together while separated, and we’re in a temporary structured cohabitation period while we separate our lives.

[00:14:00] Because if we are still living together you’re psychologically tethered to an old system, and that kind of keeps you in the habits of the marriage. It keeps you waiting for them to understand, waiting for them to change, stop being weird, right? Start being fair. But if we’re in a temporary structured cohabitation period, we are in reality, right?

This is not a marriage repair project. This is not a vibes ba- based arrangement where we’re, like, checking in with each other, which we want to do, but it’s not we’ll see how things shake out. This isn’t purgatory. This is transition, and it needs structure. So we want to first look at what are the terms?

What are the terms of this period? We don’t have to make a legal contract, although sometimes you might need that. But even before that, practically speaking, what are the terms? Like, how long do we expect this to last? Let’s put a timeline on it. Now, is that timeline definitive? It may not be, because we still m- may not have the answers that we’re looking for, but we’re gonna check in.

I [00:15:00] usually think that around six months is how long this tends to last. It could be three, but let’s check in, right? But let’s- Think about this as a six-month thing perhaps. What needs to happen before one of you moves out? What what decisions need to be made? So in this sort of s- while all of the divorce isn’t gonna be figured out what are some basics that we have to figure out before, right?

Who keeps the house? What bills are being paid and by whom? During this tenure, where is each person sleeping? What parenting schedule are you gonna follow inside the house? What conversations are you having together, and what conversations are totally off-limits? We are not mediating our divorce while we’re living together.

How are you handling meals? Who’s doing the grocery shopping? How are you handling guests? Are you telling the kids, and if so, what are you telling them? By the way, you are telling the children. We’ll get to that later. I do want you to tell your children. Are you dating during this period? I don’t think you should be, but you’re certainly not [00:16:00] bringing dates to the house.

But it probably should be addressed. What is the privacy that each person has? What shared spaces are truly shared? If you’re doing, if you’re cooking are you responsible for cleaning up and doing the dishes? And if you finish the milk, are you responsi- Like, how have things been? How would you like them to be?

What is staying the same, and what is changing? And what happens if someone violates the agreement? Because without structure, everything becomes a fight. Everything is personal. Everything is a referendum on the marriage. You loaded the dishwasher becomes, or you did it wrong, right? This is why I’m leaving you.

Y- you come home late, and that becomes you never respected me. All of the things, right? Ugh, we don’t need to be litigating that shit anymore. This period of time is the transition between we are functioning as a family under one roof, and we’re gonna be functioning as a family in two separate households, even if there is currently [00:18:00] only one roof.

Even though the house may not have split yet, the systems need to start splitting. And it’s a, again, it’s it’s the transition. It’s like I’m gonna teach you, right? If… let’s talk about the kids, right? So parenting. The first place you can start practicing this is with parenting. If you have kids, living together while separated gives you a chance to begin to create a parenting rhythm before the physical separation happens.

That might mean that you guys might think that we’re in the same house, so we’ll just keep parenting the way that we always have until someone moves out.” But that means that one parent, and usually the mom continues being the defe- default parent while the other one gets to float in and out, claim they want 50/50 custody but not actually be practicing the labor of 50/50 parenting.

No. If you’re moving towards shared parenting, start practicing shared parenting in the house now. You create a schedule. This does two [00:19:00] things. It Gives your children the opportunity to start to get… It gives them a transition period to start to get used to this rhythm of 50/50, and it gives you guys the opportunity to learn how, what this new rhythm feels like.

So maybe Monday and Tuesday are your parenting days, and Wednesday and Thursday are the other parent’s, and then you alternate weekends in whatever way makes sense. Maybe you do, a 2-2-5-5 structure like that, or a week on, week off structure, whatever you’re considering for your eventual parenting plan.

Even under the same roof, it’s who’s the on-duty parent? Who’s responsible for dinner? What are the responsibilities of the on-duty parent? Do they cook dinner? Does that mean they have to plan dinner and go grocery shopping for dinner? Who’s responsible for homework, bedtime, lunches? Who’s taking them to practice?

If you’ve got multiple kids and you’re like, you’ve gotta get multiple kids to multiple places, you got… You might realize “Oh, shit, [00:22:00] actually we can’t take, one kid to therapy while the other one has soccer, so we’re actually both gonna have to kinda be on.” And so we- these are the things that we start to work out while we’re in the home, so we realize how much fluidity there might need to be in separation.

Who’s managing the bath, the medication, the for- school forms, the school portal, the permission slips, emotional meltdown over the science project? Whatever it is, right? If you don’t start separating the labor now, you actually don’t know what your future arrangement is gonna look like, and what’s possible and what’s not.

And if you have one parent who works around the clock, like if you, if there has been a dynamic where you are the stay-at-home parent or they are the stay- stay-at-home parent and the other parent, you or the other one, works around the clock and really hasn’t had time to be an on-duty parent, can you start making those shifts at work?

And if not, is the reality that [00:23:00] 50/50 custody is just really not gonna work? Or can you start training your teams to take over more work and training your job that you’re, you need to leave at 4:00 and that you’re gonna be off the clock for a few hours and not checking emails ’cause you actually have to be with your children.

So you create that dynamic early, right? If you’ve had one parent who has carried all of the domestic labor in the house, what does it mean to relinquish that? A lot of people will be like he wants 50/50 custody, but he has no idea what that means. He’s never done an ounce of work, labor in the house with the children.”

So yeah, let’s start doing that now. Let the reality begin. Let it set in. Not in a punitive way, right? Not in a “Oh, I’m gonna watch him fail,” or… We’re not setting the kids up to suffer, but we are creating structure so that the other parent really begins to experience what parenting really requires.

And it’s important for you too, because we’re so [00:24:00] used to being the default parent that even when we’re exhausted, even when we’re resentful, even when we’re desperate for help, we’re gonna struggle to, we really struggle to release control. We want him to parent. We want him to be the default parent, but then we hover ’cause they’re not doing it right.

We want him to take over bedtime, but then we’re, like, gonna correct all the steps. We say that we want them to learn the school routine, but then we keep doing it because it’s just easier than watching him do it badly or whatever, and I get it. I do. Trust me, I do. ‘Cause when you’ve been the one who’s held it all together, when you’ve been holding the entire family system, then letting someone else do it differently can feel like watching a toddler carrying a wedding cake, right?

Oh, fuck. But unless there’s a safety concern, different doesn’t mean dangerous. Your kid’s lunch might look different, right? It may not be the full nutritious spectrum that you create every, every day. It might be a Lunchable. [00:25:00] Bedtime might be clunkier. It might be a little bit later.

The backpack might be packed in a way that makes you wanna scream. But it’s not about is he doing it exactly the way I would do it? It’s are the children safe? Are they cared for? Are they fed? Are they emotionally supported? Are they getting what they need? And if yes, then you gotta step back.

You need to give your other, the other parent the dignity to do it themselves and do it their way, and you also need to give them the dignity of failing. Because if the way that they do it doesn’t work and it fails, then they get to learn how… Then they might come to you and be like, “Oh, I fucked that up,” or not, and you might be like, “Actually, that was an epic fail let me show you how I usually do it.”

If the kids are not safe, then you start documenting the shit. This is an amazing opportunity for [00:26:00] documentation, by the way. Living together while separated, if you’re not trying to micromanage, but if you’re stepping back and you’re observing You can be documenting the whole time, because custody decisions are based on reality.

So this in-house separation period gives you information. It can show you what works, it can show you what doesn’t, it can show you whether the other parent can follow a routine, communicate appropriately, handle transitions, show up for school, meet the children’s needs. If not, it’s documented over time.

We have an in-home separation agreement where they’re supposed to be home every, Monday and Tuesday at 4:00 PM and take over all… They didn’t get, on this day, they got home at 6:30. So they actually are showing you that a 50/50 schedule is not gonna be possible, because when you had a 50/50 arrangement in home, they were unable to meet those needs.

Documentation, this period of time gives you an opportunity to step up or watch how they’re [00:28:00] not. All of this matters, and for the kids, as I said, this sort of, this helps soften the transition. Instead of everything changing at once oh my God parents separated, somebody moved out, we’ve got a new schedule, new routine, new home, new rules all at once.

That’s hard for anybody, especially children, right? They have no power and control in any of this. So now we’re gonna give them a little bit of a softened experience where they get to experience some of the new rhythm while the environment is still familiar. They begin to understand that on certain nights, Mom is the parent in charge.

On other nights, Dad is. Now, by the way, this doesn’t mean that if it’s Dad’s night and the kids are like, “I want Mom,” Dad doesn’t say “You can’t have Mom, it’s Dad’s night.” No. Obviously you’re there, right? The on-duty parent is in charge of the big things: cooking dinner, doing homework, et cetera, et cetera.

And then the kids start to see that both parents are capable of making dinner. Both parents are capable of [00:29:00] helping with homework. Both parents can do bedtime. So it’s not like suddenly the kid is in some house that’s strange with a g- with a parent who’s never done bedtime before. And again, this is assuming that both parents are safe and capable, because when that’s true the in-house separation period is a bridge to this other transition.

The next thing to do is to divide roles and responsibilities. Parenting is one piece of it, but then there’s the household. And in a marriage, especially a long one, people, we fall into roles. It’s normal. Sometimes those roles are explicitly discussed, and often they just kinda happen. So one person handles the bills.

One person handles the groceries. One person makes the appointments. One person changes the air filters, all of the things. One person knows the pediatrician’s name That’s not a, that’s not a fault if it’s just the default. And so when you’re separating, all of this sort of invisible infrastructure has to be made visible because you’re not just dividing furniture, you’re dividing an [00:30:00] entire family system.

It’s not just as I said who gets the couch? We’re not dividing the furniture. We’re dividing okay, who knows the mortgage login? What’s the health insurance deduct- deductible? Who pays for soccer? Where are the birth certificates? Who’s gonna hold onto those? Who, who’s gonna hold the passports?

Who has logins to the school app? Should, both parents need to have that now. Which subscriptions come from which account? How are we gonna okay, so I have a Netflix, then you’re gonna have to have a Netflix. Maybe we’re gonna wait until we actually move before we do that, et cetera, right?

What’s the actual cost of running this house? It’s a great data gating, data gathering period. It’s not sexy, but it is what it is. And if you’ve been financially disempowered or kept in the dark, or, you’ve been told not to worry your pretty little head about the money, this period can be really essential for learning what things cost, learning what accounts exist.

You’re gonna start looking at the mail and looking at the, what return [00:31:00] address and what envelopes things are coming from. You’re gonna start asking for the logins. You’re gonna wanna know what bills are due, what’s in your name what’s the debt, what are the children’s expenses, what does it cost to run your life, and then you need to start creating a budget for your future based on all of this information, all of the financial pieces.

So if you have been out of the workforce, underemployed, caregiving, financially controlled, all of this, it can feel really overwhelming and scary. So again, this is a great period for you to move into, to not avoid, but to actually gather the information. You need to understand also during this period of time, if you’re in a high-conflict situation or if there’s been financial manipulation or your spouse is charming one minute and punitive the next, do not rely on, “We’ll just figure it out.”

This is where we get financially wrecked. You need things in writing. You need legal guidance. You need clarity. You need documentation. This is a period of time where you should be also meeting [00:33:00] with an attorney. You should be learning the legal process. You should understand whether leaving the home, moving money, opening accounts, changing financial arrangements, all of that could affect your legal position.

I do not make legal, financial, legal or financial decisions during a separation without consulting your attorney in your jurisdiction, right? You have got to be– Right now is the perfect time to be consulting your attorney and just getting, information, just getting all the information that, that you Need to gather.

This is also an opportunity where boundaries, you can really start implementing boundaries, such as, “I don’t do your laundry anymore,” right? “I’ll do my laundry, you do your laundry. You’re gonna cook dinner on Mondays and Tuesdays ’cause those are your cust- custodial days.” And I think it’s weird in a household with the children to be like I cook dinner Mondays and [00:27:00] Tuesdays, and you’re gonna go eat somewhere else.”

We’re still a family, and we’re trying to keep this sort of cohesive under the same roof for our children, so maybe we still eat together. But one parent is fully responsible for, for cooking and cleaning. And you might go out. Like when we, when I was doing this, because my husband and I were both in 12-step programs, we went to our meetings.

Like we were … Ended up going to a lot of fucking meetings during that time. I would go like two days a week. I would be out to Al-Anon meetings couple days a week. He would be out at his meetings, and it worked out that way. But anyway. You’re not doing his errands anymore though, right? You are not having conversations about the divorce.

You’re setting boundaries. And I also want you to think about talking to the children in a really … Y- you need to name things for kids. One of the things that I see happening at this point is that people don’t have conversations with the children. They don’t name the [00:35:00] thing that’s happening, and this can be really damaging to kids.

“Mom and Dad are sleeping in d- different rooms, and we’re having this weird satellite thing happening,” but nobody’s saying anything about it ’cause “Oh we’re not separating yet.” So what do you say? I would say you tell them, “Listen, Mom and Dad are either having a hard time,” depending on how old they are, right?

Little ones you’re gonna say, “Mom and Da- Mom and Dad are having a hard time getting along, and we just need a little bit of space where Mom is gonna be sleeping in the other room,” and you name what’s happening. You name what they’re seeing because when they see things, and they don’t know what

Nobody’s naming it, they make up things, right? They make up explanations that center themselves, ’cause that’s age-appropriate. “Maybe this is my fault. I did something wrong. I’ll behave well. I need to, … Dad is sad. I need to take care of him,” right? So you need to name it for them because when you don’t name it for them, not only do they make up stories that [00:36:00] usually means that it, it’s their fault, but they also feel like they can’t trust their reality.

And when we don’t trust our reality, that’s called gaslighting We need to name it. For older kids, you might say, “Listen, Mom and Dad, we-we’re going through a separation. We’re gonna be living in the same house right now while we figure out the next steps, and we are both gonna keep taking care of you.

This is not your fault, and we’re gonna answer all your questions as best we can.” Just name it. Talk about it. It’s time, it is time to talk to them before the actual event happens. They need reassurance, they need clarity, and they definitely need freedom from responsibility. They need to know that the adults are handling the adult things.

And then your behavior needs to match that. Because if you tell them, “This isn’t your fault,” and then they hear you screaming at each other every night, their nervous system is gonna take responsibility. If you tell them, “We both love you,” but then one parent grills them for information about the other parent, they’re being put in the middle.

If you tell them, “You don’t have to choose,” but then they have to become the emotional [00:38:00] caretaker of the dysregulated parent, they’re having to choose. So the in-home parent separation period has to include boundaries around the children. We’re not using them as messengers. We are not asking them to report on the other parent.

We’re not emotionally dumping on them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So there are a lot more considerations a lot more things that you might have to talk through, whether that’s privacy “Please don’t come into my room in the middle of the night,” and, I don’t, we’re not… I see this a lot with emotionally dysregulated men coming in and sobbing at 3:00 in the morning in their children- in their in their wife’s bedroom.

No, we’re not doing that. So if you need to put a lock on the door, you’re gonna have to put a lock on the door. So there’s just a lot of things, okay? I think we can, we could probably go on and on about this, but I don’t think I need to belabor the point. I think we need to hammer out par- a par- an in-home parenting plan, whether that is really solid or we start one way and we go, “Oh, shit, this isn’t [00:39:00] really working.

This doesn’t work for our family.” Great. This is… Think of this as an opportunity to learn and gather data, whether that’s data about how it’s working or not working or gathering documentation data. You’re gonna separate the finances maybe as much as possible, where you start to learn.

You’re gonna learn from each other. If you’ve already, if you’ve made lunches every single day and the children really want, need, and expect it to be a certain way, then tell your spouse, right? Don’t be a gatekeeper of information that’s important for your children. At the end of the day, this is about communication.

This is about separating your lives in an intentional and structured way. This is a rehearsal for the next step. As an actor, I can tell you this, that as in rehearsal, you play. You figure things out. You try things. You fail You try something else. This is a rehearsal for your divorce. This is a temporary period of time that you can [00:40:00] use really efficiently, or you can loosey-goosey it.

I would want for you to make it as intentional and structured as possible. And as always, if you need support with that, if you are in the middle of a divorce, separating under the same roof, trying to figure out what to do next, trying to manage the kids and the money and the legal process, the emotional fallout, and maybe even a high-conflict person on the other side, this is the support and the work that we do in Phoenix Rising.

Phoenix Rising is my ongoing divorce coaching membership for women who need strategy, support, and a place to bring the real-time mess of divorce without having to explain the whole backstory every fucking time. This stuff isn’t just logistical, it is emotional, it is legal adjacent, it is nervous system activating, it’s parenting, it’s money, it’s communication, it’s grief, and it’s strategy.

We can support you in Phoenix Rising. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Go to kateanthony.com and click on Phoenix Rising to learn more. And until next time, you’ve got this

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DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

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