When you’re in a relationship that feels broken, it’s normal to think, “Maybe we need couples therapy.” After all, we’re taught that healthy couples work on their issues together. But what if the “issue” isn’t miscommunication or mismatched expectations — what if it’s abuse?

When one partner is abusive, traditional couples therapy is not just ineffective — it’s dangerous, contraindicated, and, in many cases, outright unethical.

Couples Therapy Assumes an Equal Playing Field

Standard couples counseling is designed for partners who have roughly equal power and responsibility for the state of the relationship. The goal is to help both people identify unhealthy patterns, take accountability, and make repairs together.

But abuse destroys that balance. An abusive partner holds power and control over the other. There is no “both sides” when one person is being intimidated, manipulated, gaslit, or harmed.

When an abuser sits in therapy with their victim, they often use the session as another tool of control: twisting the narrative, charming the therapist, or manipulating the victim into accepting blame for the abuse. A well-intentioned therapist — if not highly trained in domestic violence dynamics — may inadvertently side with the abuser’s story, doubling down on the victim’s self-doubt and confusion.

It Puts the Victim at Greater Risk

Abuse thrives in secrecy and manipulation. A victim who speaks up honestly in a joint session may face retaliation at home. Imagine being asked to “share how you really feel” in front of someone who has threatened you, screamed at you, or worse behind closed doors.

No amount of “communication skills” will make an abuser safer. In fact, research shows that couples therapy with an abusive partner can escalate violence, because the abuser may feel exposed and try to regain control afterward.

It Misses the Point

Abuse is not a relationship problem — it’s an individual behavior problem rooted in the abuser’s desire for power and control. You cannot “fix” an abusive relationship by improving communication or compromise. The only path to safety is for the abusive behavior to stop completely — and that is solely the abuser’s responsibility, often requiring specialized, long-term intervention (if they even truly want to change).

Ethically, It Crosses a Line

Most reputable therapists know that couples counseling is contraindicated in cases of domestic violence or coercive control. It violates the ethical principle of do no harm to put a victim in a situation that can worsen their trauma or place them in physical danger.

Unfortunately, many therapists are not adequately trained to identify signs of abuse or coercive control unless they’ve pursued additional, voluntary training in domestic violence dynamics. This means even well-meaning counselors can miss red flags or mistakenly treat abuse as a “communication problem” — when in reality, no amount of improved listening skills will stop abusive behavior.

When abuse is present, couples therapy doesn’t just fail — it can retraumatize survivors, embolden abusers, and keep the cycle of harm going under the guise of “working on the relationship.”

A Better Path: Individual Support

If you suspect you’re experiencing abuse, you deserve support — but it must be safe, trauma-informed support that centers your well-being, not the relationship’s survival at any cost. Seek out a therapist trained in domestic violence. Talk to a domestic violence advocate. Make a plan for your safety.

Remember: A healthy relationship can’t exist where abuse is present. Your job is not to fix your partner — it’s to protect yourself. Couples therapy won’t stop abuse — but leaving an unsafe dynamic just might save your life.